


a short and loving life

by firrehearrt



Category: The 100 (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angst, Bellamy PoV, Clarke pov, Enemies to Friends to Lovers to Strangers to Enemies to Friends to Tentative Co-Parents to Lovers, Exes, Exes to Lovers, F/M, Fluff, HA try saying that ten times fast, How the fuck do people come up with tags, Jealous Clarke, Radio Calls, Slow Burn, Slow Burnish, Suicidal Thoughts, The 100 (TV) Season 5, kind of, lake trips, question mark
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-12-28
Updated: 2021-02-03
Packaged: 2021-02-24 19:35:29
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 8
Words: 29,561
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22003342
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/firrehearrt/pseuds/firrehearrt
Summary: What if pre-Praimfaya Bellarke played out differently? Bellamy leaves, Clarke stays, Madi exists, Becho happens, but Bellamy and Clarke know with no question that they love each other.
Relationships: Bellamy Blake/Clarke Griffin
Comments: 90
Kudos: 455





	1. never planned that one day, i'd be losing you

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> content warning for unplanned pregnancy and suicidal ideation

“You’re such a dork.” Bellamy says, Clarke wrapped in his arms. 

She pokes his chest. “You said you loved me already. Can’t take it back now that you’ve realized that.” He chuckles, running a hand through her hair. 

“You’ve got me there, Griffin.”

Clarke sighs, content. Leaning her full weight back into him, she contemplates this particular turn of events. They had spent months dancing around _ this _ . She had doubted herself constantly. Convinced herself that he couldn’t love her, creating lists (damn, she had gotten good at that recently) of reasons why this was all unrequited. She had left him after the mountain, she had been the reason Charlotte died, she had killed hundreds of people in the mountain. She had loved Finn, messed so many things up because of that, and ultimately, Clarke just hurt everyone around her. .

And yet, beyond rational possibility, he loved her. 

With every ounce of her being she loved him. It wasn’t something she could explain nor did she ever think she would be able to. But he completed her, a piece of her puzzle that she hadn’t known was missing until they had been hurled through Earth’s atmosphere, a bunch of kids subjected to the horrors that were Earth. She watched as he cared for his people, gave up everything for Octavia. As his loyalty destroyed and saved him. They fell apart, but as though their love was a force as strong as gravity, they had fallen back together.

Together. They would be together from now on. In fact, they had five years, with no worries but their own survival. They could heal, and learn each other, and maybe even laugh occasionally. The weight of the world lifted off their shoulders if only for a few moments.

For the first time in such a long time, she felt safe. Tomorrow would bring unknown horrors and unexpected errors, but they would deal with that together when it came. Right now was all that mattered. 

“When we were still at the dropship, all those girls kept bragging about how good you were. I didn’t believe them before now.” She teases. He groaned as she giggled. Clarke Griffin, giggling, how absurd. 

“I’d rather not relive those days.”

“Really? What part did you not like? Was it the constant threat of an attack? Fear of death by any number of plants we didn’t know? I’m having trouble figuring out which part was so troublesome for you.” Her tone reeked sarcasm.

“Maybe I wasn’t a fan of you hating me.” He attempts a lighthearted reply, but there’s a hint of pain there. 

“I didn’t hate you. More like a mild dislike.” Behind her, the tension leaves his body all at once. She turns around to face him, placing a hand on his face. “I love you,” she reminds. He smiles at her, before placing a chaste kiss on her lips. 

“I love you too.”

She yawns, and he chuckles, pulling her impossibly closer to him. “Goodnight Princess.” He places another kiss on the crown of her head, and she snuggles into his chest. 

“Goodnight Bell.”

~~

He had promised her years that night, promised her peace and nothing but them and their love and growth and for the first time in forever they wouldn’t be on the verge of death, and it would just be them and their people, however few. And then they would come home and rebuild. He had promised her all this, and yet, the best part for her, was the promise that they would do it together. Together, they would have peace. Together, they would come home. Together, they would rebuild. Together. 

He left her the next day. 

~~

Clarke woke up later, only to remember that she was alone. She was alone on Earth for the next five years. If she found out she was actually dead it had to be a mercy at this point, that she wouldn’t spend the next five years alone, the only human left above the Earth. Her, and severe radiation that had yet to kill her. Nothing else, just her and her Bellamy up in space, safe. Alone. It was the opposite of what he had promised her.

He had left her.

That was the hardest part to believe, that he had left her. She didn’t blame him, preferred that he was safe with their friends, and not alone, on the verge of death with her. But after that night, she could have sworn he would have stayed. Had the roles been reversed, perhaps she would have left, but her first instinct would be to stay. That didn’t seem to be the case with his feelings.

She wasn’t hurt, per say. No, she had allowed the people she loved to hurt her for too long, and this time would be the exception. She would hold that love, like a precious bit of light, hidden away where no one would touch it, and most importantly, where it couldn’t hurt her.

Clarke heard a sob, and instantly threw herself behind a wall, looking for the source of the noise. A burst of pain erupted through her body, and another sob came, though she realized this time that it was her.

Her eyes widened as another shot of pain attacked her, and she lost her balance, falling to the ground.

“Shit!” The scream echoed through the empty mansion, and she sat there for a few minutes, allowing the pain to lessen so she could assess the damage she had taken in the wave of radiation.

Thankfully, she was stocked with a plentiful amount of medical equipment, and she was able to wrap and apply a salve to the burns. Only a few days of nothing, and then I’ll be back to normal, was the mantra she lived by the next week. 

It was weird, to say the least. To have so many lives held in your incapable hands for so long, and suddenly, they were all gone, under the ground, or orbiting above.

It was just Clarke. There was nothing to do to distract herself. Besides the crappy meals that took moments to prepare, and the occasional changings of her wraps, she did nothing. She had scoured for a pencil, or some paper, found a huge supply, and promptly shoved it back in the drawer, unsure of what she would draw (scared of what she might draw).

For days, she continued this routine. Get up, change the bandages, check the burns, which only got better every day. Head to the kitchen (where she picked up the radio, and attempted to talk to anyone, for longer than she would admit to herself), eat whatever sounded the least disgusting that day, glare at the drawer full of art supplies, take a nap, glare some more, eat, sleep, repeat. 

It was riveting to say the least.

Whether or not this was better than before was still up in the air. Clarke knew what she preferred, that wasn’t what this debate was over, no. Long term, taking time to take care of herself, to allow her body to heal, and maybe even her heart, was good. But Clarke was itching for someone to take care of. Itching for Bellamy to be there and talk to her. Really anything other than sit in this standstill with nothing but her fucked up head to keep her company. 

As the days progressed, her radio calls got longer and longer, and suddenly, she was toying with her gun. Realistically, she had weeks before she could go outside. Not to mention the next six years would be unfathomably lonely. If she kept everything confined, it wouldn’t be too big of a mess for everyone to find in a few years. One shot, and this would all be over. She wouldn’t have to think of Bellamy or Raven or her mother and father or Octavia or Jasper or Monty and Harper or the mountain people she had massacred ever again. Finn, Lexa, Lincoln, Lincoln’s village, all of her ghosts could be gone in an instant. 

Release, an instant away. It was so unbearably tempting to be done. The weight of the world that had been placed on her shoulders so young would be gone, affording someone else that weight. 

Bellamy. 

He had always been the one to shoulder that burden with her, lightening the load, reminding her she wasn’t alone. What would he do, if he came back and found her with a gun in her hand? He likely thought her dead at this point (she could hardly believe that she was still alive herself) but how would it crush him all over again if he found she had been the cause of her ending? Left to shoulder that burden on his own, Atlas in his own right. 

She wussed out. The gun was set down on the counter, she afforded herself a quick reprimanding, and she moved back to her breakfast. Nothing changed.

It was weeks before she thought about it again.

She was shaking, sobs coming out every half second, this stupid Rover broken down, sick out of her mind, and the gun held in her left hand.

One click.

Boom.

Gone.

All of it.

Bellamy, Lexa, Finn, the kid’s in the mountain, the village people, Charlotte, Murphy hanging from a rope, Octavia, Lincoln, Wells, her father, Abby, Jaha, the children.

Gone.

They all flashed before her, and she figured this was it. What they always meant when they said ‘life flashing before your eyes’. And suddenly she was kneeling over, throwing up, again.

That fucking vomit, that hadn’t yet stopped, plaguing her like the pregnant woman on the Ark she’d sometimes heard complain to her mother. 

Fuck.

No, no, no, there was no way. She hadn’t had a regular period since being thrown off the Ark, there was no way in hell that she was pregnant. If there was a god up there, a god that cared, or perhaps one of the one’s Bellamy had told her of, they had to be the least bit merciful as to not make her pregnant. Her implant, her implant had to be working ( _ radiation probably fucked it up _ ) and it was one time. Couples on the ark had spent years trying to get pregnant. 

She threw the gun with every ounce of force that she could muster, and took a seat in the rover, waiting for it to charge.

The gun glinted from where it sat in the dirt.

She glared right back at it.

A wave of nausea rolled through her stomach. She glared down at that too.

This wasn’t a positive, no. The chance of her being pregnant was so low that she didn’t dare mentally accept it. But until she was sure, she had to stay alive, in the odd chance that a child, Bellamy’s child, was growing in her.

~~

Her first thought upon finding the valley is her age. She doesn’t feel eighteen. Surely no eighteen year old girl has seen this much, bore this much. She was barely old enough to be killed for her betrayal on the Ark. Had she never left the Ark, she’d be dead now. So would everyone else, she supposed. If they had never sent the 100, the oxygen would have run out. The grounder’s would have continued to live until now, when a mysterious Praimfaya would hit. Alie would never have been released. She would have never met Bellamy, Lexa, Finn, Raven or Octavia. They would have lived their unnecessary lives until the Ark had given up, heaved a last sigh for them, and they all would have been done for. The human race, wiped out, despite clinging on through a nuclear apocalypse.

How odd.

She has lived lifetimes in her eighteen years. From the time she had been sent down she had loved, had her heart torn out of her chest as she shoved a knife in between his ribs to the sound of ‘Thanks, Princess,’.

She had been betrayed by Lexa, forced to kill a people, lest it be her own people that were destroyed. She had made a damning list, and realized she loved Bellamy, that perhaps Finn and Lexa had never been close to what she wanted or needed because Bellamy had been there the whole time.

She had seen her father killed, watched a young girl kill herself over a few words, found her best friend murdered. There was so much loss in this life of hers. 

The girl with the unruly hair darts through the trees, away from Clarke. 

Perhaps this child (these children) were her last sacrifice. She could raise them, love them, and when Bellamy came back down, she could transfer her parenthood over to him and perhaps she could leave then.

She was so tired of being alive.

This was exhausting. It had been for way too long. Surely this wasn’t what life was supposed to be about. Life had to have more meaning than her constantly fighting some new demon.

And now, when she thought she could be selfish for the first time in forever, there was another girl here on earth, barely a child.

~~

The girl didn’t become a responsibility for a while. For a few weeks she played a game of cat and mouse with Clarke, appearing behind corners, watching as Clarke would erupt out of the home she had claimed as hers and threw up whatever she had eaten the night before. Clarke left gifts for the girl to find. Little things, a basket full of berries she had found in a bush. A brush she had found in Becca’s mansion.

Eventually, the girl moved to sitting next to her while she suffered the morning sickness.

“Are you dying?” A meek request. Protecting herself from losing another person. Smart girl.

Clarke shook her head, motioning to her stomach.

“I’m going to have a baby,” She explained, ever so careful of the girl. Clarke watched her for a few moments. Eventually, she shook her head in understanding.

“Like my mom?”

Clarke scanned the area around them for another human, and found nothing, couldn’t recall seeing any other people here.

“Is she here?” The girl looked down, played with her fingers in her lap.

“She left after the fire.”

Oh.

“Are you one of the bad people?” she asks softly, a childhood innocence peeking through her mask.

Clarke considers for a few moments. It’s a loaded question. This girl probably knows her as a bad person. Wanheda. Was probably fed bedtime stories of how important it was that she stayed within the village, she didn’t want to get caught by Wanheda.

She considers who the bad people could be. Her people, Azgeda, there’s a plethora of people to choose from on the ground.

How kind of fate.

Eventually, she shakes her head.

“I’m not going to hurt you.” The girl seems to consider this, and then moves closer, takes a seat next to her, leaning into her.

“I can help you learn how to hunt, if you’d like.” Clarke feels a rush of indignation at that, she’s an excellent hunter, “I was watching you the other day. You’re kind of bad at it.”

Clarke snorts, ruffles the girls hair and stands up, holding her hand out to the child. She holds her hand the entire way back to the cabin Clarke has grown to call home.

~~

They grow into an awfully domestic routine considering it’s the end of the world. Madi and Clarke drag a bed in from one of the other cabins for Madi to sleep on, though after a while she takes to sleeping curled up next to Clarke on the bed. The morning sickness fades eventually, and it’s an afterthought rarely present in Clarke’s mind. From her limited knowledge of pregnancy based on the few pregnant women she encountered on the Ark, she shouldn’t have to deal with too many symptoms until later on. Occasionally she’s too exhausted to do much during the day, and she feels a slight nesting hormone kicking in. Those days Madi spends outside, playing or hunting. Clarke spends the day inside, rearranging, working on carving a crib for when the baby comes. It’s early to be working on these things, but she would hate to put it on Madi when she’s too much of a whale to accomplish anything.

They drag in decorations from the other cabins, gather all the blankets for the cold winter months. They stock up on food, and Madi teaches Clarke new ways to use plants to add taste to the food they eat.

Occasionally Clarke or Madi will wake up with nightmares. Those nights remind them how lucky they are to have someone else here on this godforsaken planet.

As Clarke’s belly grows, the days grow colder, and more often than not, they are inside. Clarke sits on a chair in the corner, sketching, filling the room with stories of her people. Tells Madi of the days on the dropship, how beautiful they were, despite the constant terror they lived in. Paints stories of days so long ago. Madi rarely interrupts, usually only asking for clarification. But one day, she looks up in awe at Clarke as she recounts the decision to send Bellamy into the mountain.

“Do you love him?” Her voice is tentative in a way it hasn’t been since they first met. Clarke smiles.

“Very much.” And for the first time in a while, the thought of him and her love for him is not accompanied with pain. Just a reminder that she will see him again.

~~

Days before she delivers the baby, Clarke decides to cut her hair.

“Madi!” She calls through the doorway. The snow is thawing, and the young girl takes every opportunity to be outside. Madi comes rushing in, eyes wide. They’re both on high alert since Clarke sat Madi down a few weeks ago and explained what was going to happen. Madi nodded, listening intently. She’s been more anxious lately because of it.

Clarke envelops her as soon as she reaches the house. “We’re okay. Sorry I scared you.” Madi attempts to hug her back but can’t fit her arms around the woman’s belly. Clarke runs her hands through the girls hair, a bit sentimental that she’ll get to keep it.

Clarke pulls a knife out of her pocket. “I need to cut my hair before the baby comes, so it’s easier to deal with. Can you help me?” Madi nods eagerly, as she assumed she might.

Madi is a huge blessing to Clarke, someone she really doesn’t deserve. She’s eager and incredibly helpful in every way. She has more experience and knowledge of life on the ground, and she’s just naturally skilled. She’s sharp and quick, a bit menacing until you get closer to her, at which point she is just a child who yearns to live.

They pull a chair outside of the cabin, into the clearing. Clarke takes a seat, and Madi is gentle as she works around her head. Clarke tells her the stories of how she’s changed her hair throughout all this, the time she kept it in the braids because of Lexa. The time she dyed it red to keep herself hidden. Tells her of how Bellamy braided it the morning he left, to make it easier through the day. Promising her that he would braid her hair anytime she wanted up on the ring.

It’s bittersweet, that last story. Her voice wavers by the end, so Madi takes a turn telling stories this time. She tells Clarke about the time that they had a huge celebration in the village, some battle had been won against Azgeda, and her mother spent hours helping everyone get ready. Madi tells Clarke how she felt like a princess, with her hair done in a braid crowning her head. She wasn’t allowed out much, as Clarke is aware of, but this was a rare exception and it clearly stands out in Madi’s memories.

Eventually, Madi stopped obsessing over every hair that might be out of place. She apologizes profusely to Clarke but hands her a mirror nonetheless. Clarke smiles up at the girl and pulls her into her arms.

“It looks incredible Madi, thank you,” she says.

~~

Later that night she sneaks out of the cabin to try radioing again.

“Hey. It’s me, again.” Her voice shakes, anxieties overwhelming her suddenly. “I miss you Bellamy. I’m terrified to deliver this baby on my own. I just wish you were here.” Tears bite at her eyes as she leans back and sighs.

“I’d take anything at this point. I’m happy with Madi, but I’m still carrying so much alone. I didn’t think I’d ever have to do things alone again. But here I am. Alone, on earth. With a nine year old and a newborn on the way.

“I’ve been thinking about names, Bell. I feel bad getting to just choose without any input from you, but I suppose you’ll just have to live with it, like poor Octavia. Goodness knows if you were down here you’d probably want to name our baby after some unheard of Roman emperor. I don’t think I would mind it though. I loved when you told everyone at camp stories. It gave all the younger ones a reprieve, even if it only lasted a moment. You’re going to be so good with this baby Bellamy. I can’t wait to see the two of you together.

“Love you Bell. Stay safe.” She set the radio down on the ground next to her and placed her arms protectively around her belly. She could hear quiet snores coming from inside the cabin. A smile graced her face at the thought of the young girl inside.

Suddenly, a contraction roared through her stomach, and she gasped, not expecting it.  _ Shit _ . Madi and her had made sure everything was ready for weeks now, just in case.

She’d try and sleep tonight, probably stay in the other bed, in case her water broke while she was sleeping. That way she wouldn’t wake Madi up. Sleep if she could, get Madi outside tomorrow, and deliver this baby as quickly and quietly as possibly.

Bellamy had told her about the story of Octavia being delivered. Though he hadn’t said anything about how he felt during it, it was clear in the way he tensed up that it was a hard thing for him to go through so young. She wouldn’t put Madi through the same thing, especially with it being the child of a man who had been scarred throughout his life because of that happening when he was so so young.

Just like Madi.

She crawled back into the cabin, careful of waking Madi. A few minutes passed after she had settled into the other bed before another contraction hit. She slapped a hand over her mouth lest she alert Madi of what was going on. The night passed restlessly. Somewhere around midnight Clarke felt her water break.

“Shit,” she muttered. That seemed to be the word of the night. 

By the time Madi woke up at the crack of dawn, Clarke was sure she was in labor. Despite this, she got up and sent Madi outside immediately to go gather a basket full of berries that were rather far away, praying that by the time Madi got back there would be a baby here.

Clarke collapsed as soon as Madi had left. She positioned herself on the floor with copious blankets and makeshift towels around her. There was a bucket of water in the room for once she had the baby, knowing it would need a good clean. Contractions were coming at least every minute, and Clarke felt the urge to start pushing.

“Okay baby, let’s do this.” She encouraged. At the first burst of pain she let out a blood curdling scream, the pain overtaking her sense of being quiet. Once she felt like she had recovered, she tried pushing again. The pain was way too much, her entire body burned, though the pain was mainly concentrated in her abdomen. Tears were slipping down her face but she hardly realized that on top of everything else. What felt like hours later, Madi walked back into the cabin, and Clarke had yet to deliver this baby. Madi wore a horrified look on her face.

“Clarke?” she asked. Clarke was finally alerted to her presence at the girl’s voice. She waved her hand weakly.

“I’m almost there Madi, just stay outside for a little bit.” Another contraction hit right after that however, and Clarke doubled over from the pain. Madi rushed to Clarke’s side, falling to her knees beside the woman. She placed a hand on her back, softly muttering encouragement to her as she rubbed circles on her back and wiped away the constant stream of tears on Clarke’s face.

An hour later, Ella Aurora Griffin-Blake was born.

Clarke figured it was only fair that she get to give this little girl her last name first. She had carried and delivered her on her own. She would raise her for the most important years of her life on her own. And for all she knew, Bellamy and the others were dead. It wasn’t a thought she liked to pay mind to, but she needed to accept it as a potential possibility. If they didn’t come down in four years, she had to move on for her girls’ sake. 

Not that it wouldn’t hurt like hell. But they relied on her. And she had lost people before. She could do it again.


	2. is it cool that i said all that?

Bellamy hadn’t managed a decent attitude in weeks, and he was perfectly fine with that, thank you very much.

Of course he felt like shit, he had finally found out that Clarke loved him back, only for her to be left on earth, dead, the next day.

He hated himself and he hated Raven for insisting they leave and he hated Murphy for acting like such an asshole when nothing bad had happened to him and he hated Harper and Monty’s lovesickness and he hated Echo for existing.

Oddly enough, Emori had become his saving grace in all this. After the week of hell with the algae, they had taken to spending time together. She wouldn’t bullshit him with these things, whereas Raven would try to reassure him that Clarke could still be alive, Emori insisted that he needed to deal with it.

Not that he wanted to, but it was nice to not have someone constantly worried about what they were saying. It was driving him crazy, everyone skirting around the topic of Clarke. For fuck’s sake, they could at least talk about her.. They did the same with everyone in the bunker. And Jasper.

He was fucking tired of it.

People were gone, people had died, and quite frankly, it didn’t do any good to their memories to just pretend they didn’t exist. So he brooded, alone in his room with nothing to keep him company but constant thoughts of that night.

~~

Eventually, things settled into a bit of normalcy. He fell back into his role of leader. Murphy took isolation on the other side of the ring. Emori was being trained by Raven on all things tech. Monty and Harper were happy, and he felt himself growing happy for them. The giddy smiles no longer annoyed him, just reminded him of what he possibly could have had. And if he couldn’t, then god, what he wouldn’t give for them to have that. 

Emori was basically everywhere. Though she mainly trained with Raven, she was picking things up from Echo, sparring with Bellamy occasionally, and also spending time with Monty as he explained the algae farm to her. Everyone had changed so much. It was crazy how peace brought out a different side to people. 

He wondered what Clarke would be like if she were here.

She’d probably be like Emori, wanting a little bit of everything. The relationships she’d never been able to have on the ground would flourish. They’d have time to be disgustingly in love, a love to rival even Harper and Monty’s constant PDA. She’d still retain that worry for everyone’s wellbeing, he couldn’t see her ever not being that way. Clarke was always so perceptive of everyone’s moods, and though she tended to take care of the masses, she’d always made time for the relatively little things, in the grand scheme of the end of the world. Best of all, she’d get to be  _ selfish _ . He couldn’t see her taking to that easily, but they’d learn how, together. 

But she wasn’t here, and wondering about what could’ve been would do nothing to change that.

~~

_ Dead.  _

_ You’re dead. _

_ I remind myself of that, every goddamn morning that I continue to wake up. ( _ _ Why is it fair for me to wake up and see the sun and the stars and the earth where I met you when you will never take another breath? _ _ ) _

_ So yeah, death.  _

_ You and I have had a lot of that, it seems. First my mom, then your dad. Wells, Finn, Gina, Lexa, so many kids that we couldn’t save, in our early days.  _

_ If you were still alive would you see their faces too? _

_ I’m sorry about Wells.  _

_ I don’t think I ever got to telling you how sorry I am. He was so young and you were so young and so  _ angry  _ at him and I don’t think I’ve ever seen you that mad. For all the heartbreaks you’ve suffered, I think your dad was the worst.  _

_ You’re my worst heartbreak, by far.  _

_ Wells was good. I hope you knew that. I know you knew that. You never talked about him. But I think I saw pain in your eyes when you saw Jaha on the ground. I think, in a way, Wells was your Gina. The ones that loved us more than we deserved, gave us everything, and paid the price of loving us.  _

_ I suppose you did, too.  _

_ I never believed in an afterlife. There wasn’t a reason, when my world was encased in four metal walls. But then I lost my mother and I found you, and surely the best this world has ever known deserves peace and rest.  _

_ I hope you get that.  _

_ On the hardest days I imagine you in some form of the heaven people clung to before the bombs. Ethereal meadows and safety and you’re surrounded by the people that loved you.  _ _ I’d like to think you’ve maybe met my mom there, too _ _. I hope you heal there, and find the joy I could never give you.  _

~~

_ Dear Clarke,  _

_ God, I miss you more and more everyday. Everyday up here is another day that we’re just wasting time, waiting to come home. It gets harder to want to come home anymore. You aren’t there, and I’m not sure what my point is without you. Of course the thought of seeing Octavia again is one hell of a driving force, but if I knew I got to come home to you after all this, it would all feel worth it. _

_ Maybe we’d settle down, Earth would grant us a reprieve. God, we deserve one. I’d come home and you’d smile so big and wrap me up in your arms and we’d find somewhere in that green spot we’ve started to call Eden, and we’d build a little cabin. We’d go swimming in that lake that we think we see, go fishing in the summer and hunt in the winter and you’d show me how to build the best snow fort and we could have snowball fights. And then we’d go home and build a fire and cuddle and we’d have all the time in the world to do whatever we want. _

_ And maybe if you wanted we could try and have a couple of kids and expand the cabin and you’d insist on painting something in their rooms. We’d build a deck and sit out there while the sun set. It would be perfect.  _

_ God I wish I hadn’t left you _

~~

“Come on El, you got this baby, just take the step.” Clarke encouraged her. Madi was sitting at her shoulder, both of them feeling the tension as they waited for El to try and move on two legs. She was finally standing up without immediately falling down. Madi was more than eager for her to start walking. One of them had to constantly be holding her and it was exhausting to try and get anything done. Not that they didn’t adore Ella, but her being mobile would change things for the better. At the same time, everything was happening so fast, and Madi had admitted to Clarke one night that she wasn’t ecstatic about what would happen when everyone came back together. 

Clarke had held her, muttering reassurances into her hair. “It’s going to be okay Madi. Our family will always be our family. Sometimes we just add a few more people to it. Change is scary at first but we have to make it through the scary to see if it’s good.” Madi nodded against her chest. Later, as Clarke was on the verge of sleep, Madi sat up.

“Can I tell you if it’s a bad change?” Clarke nodded vigorously, placing her hands on Madi’s face, framing it.

“Of course.  _ You _ are my family now Madi, and I’ll always be there for you. You aren’t ever obligated to ignore your feelings for my sake, okay?” She placed a kiss on the girls forehead and cuddled with her until her breathing evened.

Finally, Ella took a step, and Madi and Clarke both erupted in cheers. Clarke surged forward and pulled her into her arms, lathing praise all over her. Ella’s smile was as bright as the stars as they fussed over her. Clarke would know, she had once lived among them. 

“I can’t believe she finally did it!” Madi exclaimed, but Clarke had sobered at the thought of her life on the ark, the thought of the people now up there. She offered a small smile to the girls, enveloping both of them before heading outside with a quick excuse. 

“Bell,” She said, lifting the radio to her lips. “Ella just took her first step. It was the cutest thing ever. She’s been standing for so long, and Madi and I weren’t sure when she would finally take that step, but she did it. Her little chubby legs are so precious. Thank goodness she’s such a chunker, or this winter might be hard on her. But she’s done so good. Of course she has, she’s too stubborn, like her daddy.

“Speaking of, she looks so much like you. She has these adorable black curls that grow like no other. She’s going to be such a pretty girl. Like Octavia with your soft edges and curls. And she’s got freckles all over her face. I’m just glad she got my eyes. I would have felt so left out without that. Totally wouldn’t be fair either. With how cute I am-“ She choked up, taking a step back into the tree behind her. “I wish you were here. I miss you so much. And like, I think I should miss you more on the hard days when I want help…” She trails off, listening to the girls giggles from inside. “I just wish I could share these little moments with you. I love you.”

Through the window, Madi motions for her to come back inside. Clarke smiles, a bittersweet ache in her heart. 

“Come home soon.”

An hour later they’re cuddled in bed together, a tangle of limbs as Madi recounts a story about the stars that night.

“When Gae had to leave his love back on earth, he painted the stars in the night sky, to remind Hia that he was always there for her. He told her that they shined, because of their love.” El had been asleep since the first sentence, but Clarke had incessantly held onto every word, her heart clenching at the thought of her own person in the sky. She kissed Madi’s forehead.

“Thanks Mads.”

“How much longer?” Madi says, a wistful look in her eye. She’s asked this a few times, and it never hurt Clarke less. 

Clarke shook her head. “It’s still going to be a while Madi. It’s only been about two years.” 

Truthfully, Clarke knew she wasn’t super close on her guess. She knew she was about a month off, as she hadn’t been able to find the patience to track every day for five days, making another mark each day only to be reminded that he was gone. Besides, she had no idea how long she had been out of it at the beginning of everything, it seemed silly to guess when she would just be off count either way.

Madi had fallen asleep by then, and Clarke took in the image, tears stinging her eyes at the amount of love in her heart for these two. She couldn’t help but thank whatever divine being there was that she had a piece of Bellamy with her, no matter what happened. Don’t get her started on having Madi either. The two of them were everything she knew she needed. They gave her purpose, and constantly made the time she had been on earth worth it.

Her mother had tried to tell her this when she was growing up, explaining how incredible motherhood was. But Clarke had been young and annoyed as her mother tried to bond with her. She would much rather play tag with Wells than sit and listen as her mother explained that she hadn’t felt like she had lived until she had loved her father and gotten Clarke.

~~

“Any minute now,” Clarke sang. It had taken her forever to manage to get ready this morning. She barely had clothes that fit well after the last couple of years had taken a toll on her body. There was more weight around her hips that probably wouldn’t ever leave, but she had grown more muscular as she grew used to life on Earth. Without the stress of the early days she was able to focus more on her health. Her hair was thicker, growing constantly. She cut it at least once a month to keep it at the length she liked. Her skin had stopped constantly burning every time she was outside all day, instead growing into a nice tan. She felt incredible, better than she ever had. 

And today Bellamy would come home to his family. 

Her hair was tied back with a bandana, a lightweight blouse paired with her most comfortable trousers. The girls had been outside with her all day, though they were more focused on trying to get Ella to the top of the tallest tree near the village than actually waiting to see when a ship would break through the atmosphere, chasing her family back home. 

Her Bellamy home.

She lifted the radio back to her lips. “I’m pretty sure you’re just trying to keep me in suspense. Well, jokes on you. I’ve been waiting for five years. I can last a few more hours.” She sighed. “Though, honestly I wish you would hurry it up. We need to get going on moving the collapsed building off the bunker. And I have a really big surprise.” She giggled at herself. “I can’t wait for you to meet her. She’s so much like you Bellamy. Wants to take care of everyone around her. And she’s so happy. Just giggles all the time. It’s really cute. And she has the cutest little attitude. Really takes after Madi with that.” She looked back up at the sky, deciding to just lean back so she wasn’t craning her neck. “Mm. I think I’m going to take a nap now. The girls will wake me up if you show up. I love you. Please come home soon.”

They don’t show up. For a good month, the girls shirk most of their responsibilities in favor of watching the skies. Madi, ever attuned to Clarke’s mood, offers hushed conversations with Clarke at night while Ella sleeps. Neither of them said anything to Ella. She isn’t stupid, consciously aware that something that was supposed to happen didn’t, but no one brings it up. 

After all, how do you tell a child that has only ever known her mother and one other person that the rest of their family is dead and never coming back?


	3. a song that sounds like a death march

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks to my beta, B! You're the best ever!
> 
> Fair warning, Becho in this chapter, and though I don't ship Becho, I try and be respectful of that. As well as the fact that I think Echo is a badass and quite admire her. So if any of that bothers you, definitely find another fic haha
> 
> Another quick note, I changed some aspects of canon for my own needs. Madi is older than she is in canon, 15 at this point. Seasons are different at the beginning, and Eligius is nonexistent. 
> 
> Chapter title is from Speak Now (the song) by Taylor Swift. I also made a little playlist for this fic, you can find that [here](https://open.spotify.com/playlist/7ESc6reUXFLnUEzzcKs3s8)

Soon, summer will fade away. The chill is creeping in, the sun sets sooner everyday, taking every last bit of Clarke’s hope with it.

They cling to each other, a desperateness coloring their every interaction now. Eventually, the three of them move back inside, Ella playing on the floor, Madi at a table practicing her schoolwork, Clarke curled up with her sketchbook. The stories turn dull, nonexistent most days. 

There’s a heaviness in Clarke’s bones, a resistance to any type of movement as the news truly settles. 

They’re gone. 

~~

On one of the last truly warm weeks of the year, Ella follows Clarke around, constantly begging for one last lake trip. Currently, they’re working on preserving jam in jars to last them the winter. Clarke stands at a table, her hair softly blown back by a mild wind. Ella sits on the table next to her, occasionally helping by way of screwing lids on. Though her main goal seems to be begging. 

“We haven’t been to the lake for a month, mom. It’s going to be so cold soon and then we can’t go until next year.” Clarke can’t help but smile. She knows she’s going to agree, just enjoys making her daughter work for it a bit. 

She fakes a contemplative look, then shakes her head. “We won’t have enough time for winter prep if we’re gone for long.”

Ella preens then, “Madi and I could make dinner and do all the chores and we only have to go for a few days. Not like our longer trips.”

Clarke can’t help smiling then. “Did Madi agree to that?” 

Ella nods vigorously, grasping another jar in her little hand while she tightens a lid onto it. Clarke chuckles, a momentary weightlessness replacing the heavy despair of the last months. 

“I guess if you’re going to do  _ all  _ the chores we can do it,” Clarke says, woefully aware that Ella’s promise is unlikely to be kept. 

But things feel light, and for the first time since the day she accepted that they weren’t coming home, she feels hope. 

Hope, that word that once belonged to him.

She shakes her head. If she’s going to get past this, past him. Well. Thinking about him won’t do any good. 

An hour later, they’re piled into the rover, Ella on Clarke’s lap as Madi drives. 

The lake is fantastic, and their trips there remind Clarke of old earth stories, of people with cabins in the woods (on purpose, not out of necessity), only used a few times a year. She’d read stories of trips to lakes in the summer, skiing in the winters. Preserving whatever part of that that she could for her girls felt 

As usual, the girls immediately rush towards the lake upon arrival, leaving Clarke to set everything up. Not that she minds, she watches with a fond heart as they race, and explode into the lake, giggles echoing in the air. She joins them in the water not much later, amusing them with the games they demand she play with them. 

The next few days follow much the same, the girls shirking all responsibilities in favor of playing. Clarke spends the hottest part of the days with them, choosing to lay on the grass the rest of the time, drawing lazily, nothing particular in mind. Ella spends one morning with her on the grass, watching intently as she sketches. 

Murmurs of a story escape Clarke’s lips about the lines escaping onto the paper in front of her. “We were supposed to be looking for supplies,” she shakes her head, a fond smile on her lips. “And Octavia just, jumped into the river. No fear at all.” Clarke puts the pencil down, turning to Ella, brushing a piece of hair behind her ear. “We were all really scared a lot of the time, and she helped us learn to be happy and find the carefree moments.” Her daughter melts, rolling onto her back with a sigh. 

“Tell me the Jasper story again,” she demands. Clarke starts, but she’s asleep before Clarke finishes her third sentence. 

Madi offers to show them how to ‘skip rocks’ later that afternoon. She demonstrates for them, which is met with amazement from Clarke and Ella. 

“You have to find a flat rock, Clarke. Something lumpy isn’t going to get anywhere,” she says matter of factly. Clarke chuckles, and sets out for a better rock. She finds a long and slim one, offering it up to Madi for approval. “Yeah okay, that should work. But don’t throw it this time, flick your wrist out.” Madi adjusts her pose as she sets her feet apart, then takes a step back, her arms over her chest as she watches with a smirk on her face. 

Clarke sticks her tongue out at her, before _ flicking _ the rock out. It skips once, which feels like something to be proud of, but Madi bursts into laughter, dropping down with her legs underneath her. 

“What are you doing?” 

“Watching, you’ve got it you just need to practice now. Besides, you’re beyond my help.” Madi giggles incessantly and Ella, from her seat in the sand by her sandcastle, joins in.

“Oh come on, you’re not making fun of her.”

Madi’s eyes go comically wide, face aghast, “Are you suggesting I make fun of a child?” She shakes her head, clicking her tongue. “And your own daughter too.”

Clarke chuckles, going back to her rock skipping. Madi helps Ella dig out a moat around her castle, insisting they need to protect it from Clarke. 

She chases them at the end of the day, throwing Ella over her shoulder once she catches her. Madi evades capture, and she mercilessly teases Clarke about it when they go to bed that night. When Clarke threatens extra chores the next week, she stops, and Clarke gets her first win of the day.

~~

Months later, as the snow melted, Clarke took the girls on more day trips out to what remained of Polaris, attempting to find a way to open the bunker. On the days spent at home, they plant, hunt, and work on new contraptions to test out to lift the concrete over the bunker. Both girls preferred those days.

Madi and Ella were leaned over a table, working on the newest breakthrough, the one they were convinced would work. Though they had felt the same about all the other ones.

Clarke ruffled Ella’s hair.

“Aunt Raven would be proud of you, you little genius.” Ella looked up and gleamed.

They all collectively heard a bang explode through the air. Clarke immediately went into protective mode, throwing herself over the girls. Silence echoed around them for a good minute before she dared move.

“Girls, get in the cabin, okay?” She grabbed Ella, throwing her onto her hip, and Madi raced behind them. She handed Madi a gun while Ella wasn’t looking. “Remember when I showed you how to use this?” The girl nodded, terror hidden behind a mask of strength. “I don’t care who it is, if you feel like you need to use it. Use it.” She nodded again and Clarke sighed as she brushed her hair away from her face, placing a kiss on her forehead. “I’ll be back soon.”

Ella clung to Clarke as she headed back outside. “Be good for Madi sweetheart. Okay? Can you do that for me?” Ella nodded and then raced into Madi’s arms on the other side of the room. Clarke took a deep breath, and rushed outside, putting the girls in the back of her mind for the time being. She looked around the village, clutching the extra gun in both hands.

She could smell something vaguely burning, something like gas. Once the village felt secure, she tucked the gun back into her waistband, and scaled the girls’ favorite tree in the area. She saw smoke rising maybe ten minutes from them.

_ Keep my girls safe, keep my girls safe, keep my girls safe. _

Everything was quiet. There hadn’t been a single noise since the explosion, which she found odd. Nothing had been this quiet since right after Praimfaya, before she found the valley. There was always something making noise, whether it be Madi and Ella, or some bird trying to irritate her while they all slept. There weren’t any voices, not a single animal making noise. Wind was nonexistent, and she wasn’t stupid enough to dare her feet making herself visible. Six years memorizing this area had taught her where to not step.

Adrenaline coursed through her veins as she continued to trail through the area, towards the smoke. She was silent, not even sure if she was breathing. Her eyes were constantly moving, scanning the area for anything that could pass as a threat. She continually came up short, finding nothing. She nearly growled in frustration at finding nothing. What the hell had happened?

The burning smell was at its strongest when she heard the groan of metal, and a voice she thought she might know. “Okay, it’s safe out here.”

Raven?

Clarke wasn’t stupid. She fought the urge to burst through the trees into the clearing she knew was ahead of her. Instead, she found a safe spot where she could see everything without fear of anyone seeing her. And suddenly, a ship that had carried her family away from her six years ago came into view, the same as it had been when they had left. The door ajar, Raven at the side of the opening.

Raven, standing there. A smile gracing her lips. Emori next to her, looking smugly proud. Bellamy, holding Echo in front of him.

Bellamy holding Echo in front of him?

_ Bellamy. _

_ Bellamy, Bellamy, Bellamy. _

_ Echo? _

Clarke froze, suddenly finding herself unable to move, to breathe.

She watched as the scene unfolded. Raven made her way down and back onto ground for the first time in six years. Emori followed, and Harper and Monty ran down together, clasping hands, happy.

Where was Murphy?

Why was Bellamy holding Echo like that?

Like he had held her before he left.

Oh god.

Ella’s beautiful face suddenly popped into her head. Ella wasn’t expecting these people. Clarke had offered her stories of her adolescence, of her family, but she had never explained where they fit in.

And she didn’t need to.

The last thing Ella needed with all the change about to be sprung on her was Bellamy showing up holding Echo.

Yes, this could work. Everything sorted in her head, she took a step out of the bushes, a hand on the gun tucked into her jeans. With the noise, everyone’s heads snapped up to take her in.

Raven raised a hand to her mouth in disbelief.

“Clarke?” And suddenly she was ambushed as Raven wrapped her in her arms, a squeal Clarke would never have attributed with Raven in her ear.

Clarke closed her eyes, refusing to take in Bellamy’s reaction. Fear, guilt, anger, were things she didn’t want to see on him, especially directed at her.

Harper and Monty piled onto her next, squishing Raven closer.

“You’re alive,” Harper breathed. Monty squeezed her arm.

“Thank you.”

A silent tear made its way down her cheek as they stepped back, and she realized they were alive.

“I thought you were all dead!” She exclaims. Not that she was looking, but Bellamy was still inside the ship.

Raven glared at her.

“We thought you were dead. For six years! Pretty sure we won this.” Emori silently placed a hand on her back, offering a nod of her head her way. Probably the most emotion Emori had ever shown in Clarke’s presence.

Clarke wiped at the tears running down her face, shaking her head. She had never been this emotional before the girls had come into her life.  _ The girls. Shit. _

“I don’t even know how to say this.” She began. “Um, there are two kids here with me.” Everyone looked at her with confusion written on their faces. Murphy had finally shown out of the ship now, and she addressed all of them. “Yeah, um Madi is a nightblood. She was nine when Praimfaya hit, and we’ve been together since I found the valley. And Ella is five. She’s, um.”  _ How the fuck do you tell your family that they left you for dead, while you were pregnant?  _ “She’s mine.” She chokes it out, looking anywhere but at Bellamy. 

Raven was the first to make an outburst. “You were pregnant?” Clarke nodded, and Raven gasped again before pulling Clarke into her arms again. “I’m so sorry.” She whispers, guilt embedded in the sentiment.

Clarke offers a watery laugh. “Not your fault. Um, so, they’re back at the village.” She directed her next comment right at Bellamy, all the blood seemingly drained out of his face.. “It’s probably easiest if you all stay in other cabins while I explain to them what’s going on. Ella hasn’t ever known anyone besides me and Madi, this’ll be overwhelming.” She swung her right foot in front of her left, looking at the ground once more.

“I’ll show you guys where the village is then.” This was all so goddamned awkward. Raven walked by her both of them throwing questions back and forth.

Eventually, “So who’s Ella’s father?” Clarke shrugged.

“It doesn’t matter now.” Raven raised an eyebrow at her. Clarke ignored it, leaving them as she made her way inside the cabin.

“It’s just me. Don’t shoot,” she joked. Madi and Ella both ran up to her and threw themselves into her arms. She collapsed on the floor with them, holding them tighter than ever before. After a minute, she pulled back, pulling Ella into her lap, mainly talking to her. Madi was perceptive, and had probably figured it out already.

“Baby, do you remember the stories I told you about Aunt Raven and Emori and Harper and Uncle Murphy and Monty and Bellamy?” It hurt to get his name past her lips right now. Ella nodded. “Do you remember how I told you they lived in space now?” She nodded again, pushing her curls out of her face. “Well, they just came back down to live with us again.” Ella smiled, sitting up. 

“Are they here now?” She asked. Clarke nodded.

“Would you like to go meet them?” She nodded vigorously. Clarke stood up, and pulled her onto her hip, holding Madi’s hand. Madi afforded her a quick squeeze before leading the way outside into the clearing, where Clarke’s old family sat, cracking jokes like it was another day. Everyone’s jaws dropped at the girl on Clarke’s hip. Clarke shook her head at them, hoping the message made its way through her face.  _ Don’t you dare tell her _ .

Ella buried her face in Clarke’s shoulder. Clarke smiled, introducing Madi to everyone instead.

“This is Aunt Raven,” She points at everyone in turn. Ella perks up at Raven’s name, having favored her in the stories. Finally, she smiled, giving her approval to the people. “This is Uncle Murphy.” He was sitting on the edge of the group, not bothering to try and associate with anyone else there. Another thing for Clarke to file away and examine later. “Emori, Harper and Monty,” Harper and Monty are sitting together, a giant smile on both their faces. Harper offers Ella a small wave, which the girl returns. Clarke vaguely waves her hand in the direction of Echo and Bellamy, their hands intertwined. “Echo and Bellamy.” The youngest girl’s head cocked at the two of them.

Ella poked at Clarke’s shoulder, her signal that she wanted to be let down. Clarke obliged her, and she ran right to Raven. 

Bellamy finally opened his mouth. “Where’s Octavia?”

Clarke went to answer, but Madi beat her to it. “They’re still in the bunker,” she snarled, and Clarke was appalled, unexpecting. “A building collapsed during Praimfaya, you know, the day you left Clarke?” Bellamy’s eyes were wide, probably just as confused as Clarke was at the sudden sass emanating from Madi. “And since you took your sweet time coming home, we weren’t able to get them out in time.” 

Sensing the tension, Ella moved back to Clarke, who instantly picked her up and cradled her head.

“Do you want to take Ella and go help her climb the tree, and I’ll talk with everyone else?” Madi complied, grabbing Ella from her arms with promises of getting the highest they’d ever been before.

“Don’t you think that’s dangerous for them to be doing that?” Bellamy spoke. 

“They’re fine,” Clarke assures, waving it off. 

Bellamy meets her eyes with a skeptical look. She tries for a neutral expression (friendly is out of the question right now), but must fail, because then he’s turning to Echo, seemingly exchanging a silent conversation. 

That used to be them. For a moment, her world zeroes in on Bellamy and Echo, blood pounding in her ears, a sharp ache in her chest. 

Desperately, she tries to cling to that memory of them, intertwined in each other, the world ready to burn, but in each other they found a reprieve. Her brain comes up empty, offering nothing in the form of comfort. The only evidence of their love, a child that she’ll undoubtedly have to learn to share with him and Echo. 

Bellamy moves, startling her. “I’ll go watch them, just in case.”

Clarke shakes her head sharply, “They’re fine.” She forces a lighthearted laugh, “They’ve done this a million times before. I’m sure you guys want to get settled, grab your stuff.” 

Bellamy, ever the organizer, or he must have been, up on the ring, pipes up. “A couple of us can head back to the dropship in the rover, grab some things? Echo and I can stay back and help with dinner?” The suggestion has Clarke’s eyes bulging, her stomach turning. 

“I’m not feeling too well, actually, so Monty and I can stay back.” Clarke shoots Harper a grateful smile at the suggestion. Bellamy grunts submission and everyone else piles into the rover. 

Harper and Clarke decide on just using up some of the stored food for dinner, neither really feeling up to cooking. The girls run back into the clearing soon after everyone leaves, Madi demanding that Harper and Monty follow them on a tour. There’s pride in their eyes, for this place that is theirs. Clarke follows them with her gaze, sitting on top of a table. Harper and Monty seem to eat it up, enthusiastically asking questions, showing excitement for the smallest things. At the conclusion of the tour, they take Monty to see their favorite climbing tree, Harper taking a seat next to Clarke. 

“Ella, huh?” She starts, nudging Clarke with her leg. 

Clarke sighs, “Ella Aurora Griffin-Blake. I felt guilty naming her without him, so I gave her part of his name and his mom’s name.” She shakes her head, looking down between her legs. “She’s so much like him. Looks like a copy of him, really.” Harper nudges her again, scooting closer to her. 

Physical comfort with a human her size isn’t something Clarke’s had in, well, since she hugged Bellamy six years ago. It’s nice, not something she realized she missed. 

“He talked about you all the time. Thinking you were dead was hard on all of us, but it hit him hardest. Took him three years to accept it.” Clarke makes a noncommittal sound.

“He sure moved on quick,” she huffs, tapping her heel against the ground. 

“That’s not fair, none of us even knew what was going on between the two of you. Or what happened,” she adds. And that surprises Clarke, because there’s only so much you can talk about trapped in space for six years. She shakes her head, a dark chuckle escaping her lips. “It was short, Clarke. My point is he spent nearly three times as long as you had known each other devastated over you. I don’t think he ever got over it, honestly. I think he just got better at hiding it from us.”

The words settle, and an ache blooms in Clarke’s chest. She’s had six years to ponder everything, try and move on, grasp at something resembling healing. Mind you, that was all on her own, no one near her age to confide in. Even now, knowing he’s alive, it burns, bright and painful as that first day without him. 

Though, that might be attributed to his hand in Echo’s. The sight fills every crevice in her brain, taunting her with reminders that he is not hers, and never really was. 

Perhaps, if she’d had someone to move on with, she would have done so. But instead she spent five years filled with fantasies of him coming home, spinning her around, professing his love, just like in the rom-com’s she’d force Wells to watch with her once she hit her teenage years. 

She flushes, remembering the endings of some of those fantasies that got her through lonelier nights. 

He’s not hers, and she’d do well to remember that. 

_ Not yours, not yours, not yours _ , plays through her head the rest of the conversation, haunting her along with the image of his hand in someone else’s. She pastes a smile onto her face, praying Harper doesn’t recognize it for the bullshit that it is, 

She doesn’t, and offers a hug and advice that Clarke gladly accepts. _ Find a new happiness, Clarke. _

~~

The group makes it back just as the girls have finished dragging Monty around. Clarke smiles fondly at the three of them. Monty, just like everyone else, seems so different. The man heavy laden with the death of his best friend is gone, replaced with someone reminiscent of the boy who dropped from the sky, albeit matured. 

She knows all too well that those wounds do not heal. They do not leave. But there is freedom in carving out a new life, one where the pain doesn’t follow you around constantly. And for her, there’s joy and relief to know that he’s found that. 

Hope accompanies it, that she too might feel that. 

Bellamy throws a look at Murphy, still sulking in the back as they all eat. Murphy rolls his eyes, but hops up to follow Bellamy out of the clearing, for what, Clarke has no idea. 

There’s an itch begging for her attention, demanding she follow him, the same one that declared for years that she must throw herself into his arms upon reunion. That dream didn’t happen, however, and as with most dreams she’s imagined, neither will this one. 

Murphy and Bellamy make it back, arms piled with firewood. 

They struggle to start the fire, however, and Madi giggles mercilessly. Even Ella seems to find humor in it, and after a few minutes of their pitiful struggle, the entire group is laughing. Bellamy mumbles something about “not starting any fires in space” shooting a beaming smile over to Echo, who wears a smirk on her lips in return.

Not for the first time today, Clarke feels her heart twinge. She stands up abruptly, making her way into their cabin, Ella trailing behind her. Her daughter is quiet as Clarke picks out the knots in her hair, yawns escaping constantly, until she’s being primarily held up by Clarke. She’s asleep before she finishes, exhaustion written over her face. Clarke presses a light kiss to her forehead before heading back out with everyone, where Madi’s been designated as in charge of the fire.

She drops down on the log behind her, staring intently into the fire. The chatter around her continues, and it’s easy to get lost in it. Madi leans back against her legs at one point, holding her hair up for Clarke to take. She chuckles, immediately jumping into the braids Madi likes. She’s about halfway finished when Bellamy takes a spot next to her. Her muscles stiffen of their own accord, seemingly ready for a fight.

“You cut your hair.” He comments, as though they’re old friends, discussing the weather. She nods, not taking her eyes off Madi’s hair. “It looks nice.”

Her heart involuntarily lifts, not that she pays any attention to it. “Babies grab at things, it was just easier to cut it.” 

She hears a smile in his voice as he pushes to continue the conversation, “What was she like? What’s she like now? I missed so much.”

She ties off the second braid, feels herself shutting down as she reaches forward to push Madi up and towards the cabin. “I don’t know Bellamy, she was like a baby.” The door slams as Madi closes it, jarring her. “I’ve got to go put her to bed, so...” She motions with her thumb over her shoulder toward the cabin. 

“Oh yeah, of course. Goodnight Clarke.” His face falls as she offers a sad smile.

Clarke collapses back onto her bed once she’s inside, the exhaustion of the day catching up to her, as she’s asleep in seconds. 


	4. all my flowers (grew back as thorns)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks so much to my beta, B, for hyping me up and teaching me about correct comma usage. Without you, this fic would undoubtedly be like, half commas. 
> 
> Chapter title is from Call it What You Want by Taylor Swift. I also made a little playlist for this fic, you can find that [here](https://open.spotify.com/playlist/7ESc6reUXFLnUEzzcKs3s8). This is essentially the music that reminds me of this fic, or just the stuff that helps me get in the mood to write.

Echo’s quiet when Bellamy follows her into their cabin. Softly, she places a few of her things from the ring on the dresser across from their bed. 

The silence is deafening, tension high. 

Walking into the trees and never coming back seems like a preferable option at this point. 

Barley more than a whisper, “I’m not mad at you, Bellamy.”

Great. Not mad. 

“What do you think about heading to the bunker tomorrow? Assessing the damage.” he offers, not quite ready to talk about  _ everything _ . 

She nods, “That’s probably best. Take Raven and Emori?”

Bellamy takes a spot on the bed, leaning back against the wall. “Sounds good.” He sighs, sobering. “How bad do you think it’s going to be?”

Echo grimaces. “Honestly?” He nods. “Pretty bad. There’s not much Clarke Griffin can’t do when she puts her mind to things.”

Bellamy groans, and she just chuckles. “It’ll be okay though, Raven’s a genius, she’ll figure it out.” He nods, a million thoughts running through his head. 

“Feels surreal to be back on the ground,” he offers. 

“Can’t blame you for that. I don’t know how you guys did that drop twice. Fucking horrifying,” she grunts. Bellamy laughs. 

“It’s easier the second time.”

“I’m never doing that again.” He laughs again, and she offers a smile. “Are we going to talk about it?”

_ It _ . Clarke, Madi, Ella? Octavia, even. She’s well aware of his anxieties surrounding that, having been on the receiving end of countless rants up in space. 

He’s pretty sure she means Clarke. 

“I’d rather not tonight.” She nods, biting her cheek before slipping under the covers. 

“Goodnight then.”

“I’m sorry.”

“I know.” It’s quiet, a humble admission of acceptance. 

And that’s the thing, isn’t it? He promised nothing would change, but even without the revelations the day has brought, he knew nothing would be the same as it was on the ring. She was more than likely aware of it too and that’s the worst part. 

Who’s really surprised though? All Bellamy’s ever done is let down the people around him. Starting with being the reason his mother was floated and the reason Octavia was locked up in the Skybox. He fucked things up for the 100. All of those deaths are on him, and he knows that, every single second of every day. 

He didn’t stop Finn. Clarke and Raven’s heartbreak from that is on him. 

He’s the reason Clarke left. He’s the reason a sleeping army was massacred. 

Clarke? Being left on earth, alone, to deliver a baby  _ and _ take care of another child? On him. 

Not to mention the many ways in which he’s fucked up Octavia’s life. 

He’s not a good man, and sure, he might have illusioned himself into believing that he might be, for a brief moment in space, but it was a lie. 

~~

They get an early start the next morning, all of them waking up around the same time. Clarke and the girls never show up while they eat, Harper citing that they’ve got schoolwork to get done. His heart melts and he’s tempted to go in there, beg to be a part of their little family, add whatever little he can to this ‘school’. Echo leans into him then and the fantasy crashes and burns before it can even take root. 

Polis is a mess, even more depressing than it seemed pre-Praimfaya. Which, no, that’s probably not fair to the beautiful city that at one point flourished here. Bellamy just happens to have pretty shitty memories of this place. 

It’s ruins now. No signs of the beautiful greenery that once surrounded it, or the marketplace crawling with life. An entire culture that somehow survived the bombs, wiped out by a nuclear apocalypse. It’s disheartening, to think both things were essentially the causation of humans.

Perhaps they’ll never learn better. 

Bellamy’s feeling incredibly optimistic today, clearly. 

The trip out to Polis is quick, thankfully. Raven gets a good visual, Bellamy scrapes his hand insisting he could just move the rubble off. Echo and Emori make fun of him, a normal day, except _ they’re on the ground _ . 

Raven drives back after Bellamy complains about his hand. “Space really babied you, huh Blake?” she taunts, before hopping into the driver's seat, grinning like a giddy kid. Echo sits in the back with him, discussing what they think they’ll find once they get the bunker open. She steers clear of the topic of Octavia. Other people are down there, after all. He’ll get to see Miller and Kane again. Abby? No, he’s definitely not looking forward to that. Clarke probably is though, that’ll be good for her to get to see her mom again. 

Well, and introduce her mom to her daughter. Daughters. Anyone can see Madi looks up to Clarke as her own mother. It’s endearing to see that Clarke’s created a family out of nothing. Makes him wonder, not for the first time, what she would have been like on the Ring with them. Unifying, probably. God knows if she had been up there she probably could have helped Murphy more than any of Bellamy’s failed attempts at including him. Or they could have done it together. They’ve always worked well together. 

Part of him is terrified he’ll never have that chance again. 

He can already feel her pulling away, abruptly leaving last night. He saw the look she exchanged with Harper when she offered to stay instead of him and Echo. Which, granted, that probably wasn’t a great call. She’s not familiar with Echo at all, not aware of the ways she’s changed in the last six years. If positions were switched, he wouldn’t want her near his children. 

Of course, there’s also the fact that he’s with her. When he has a child with Clarke. 

He’d rather not think about that. Yet. He will. One day. Not today. After they open the bunker, probably. Yeah, that sounds like a good time. 

He grimaces, just as the Rover halts to a stop. Echo hops out first, looking back with a question on her face as he hesitates. He shakes it off, smiling at her. 

He’s fine. This is all fine. 

He’s got a kid, he’s pretty sure that hasn’t hit yet. In fact, that’s her giggle. He looks over by the cabins, and sees  _ Murphy _ of all people playing tag with her. 

Huh. 

Bellamy should be doing that, right? That’s in the realm of fatherhood responsibilities? 

Clarke would probably freak if he tried that though. She seemed appalled by the idea that he would want to go check on them. Playing seems like a worse offense. Though, really, what is she going to do? It doesn’t even look like she’s around here. 

Murphy’s bent over, his hands on his knees, panting over dramatically as Ella giggles. Bellamy walks over to them just as Murphy starts to make his case. 

“Come on kid, I’ve been in space for six years, I got out of shape. Give me a break.” Ella just laughs harder before looking up to Bellamy with her hands on her hips.

Bellamy drops into a squat, “I was wondering if it might be alright if I joined the little princess’ game of tag.” Murphy snorts, and Ella smiles, nodding, before breaking into a run. 

“Try and catch me!” she yells over her shoulder. 

~~

Things move quickly with the group from the Ring back. On her own, Clarke might have eventually found a way to uncover the bunker, but with two kids to attend to there was always something distracting her or demanding her full attention. Harper and Monty absolutely adore Madi and Ella, entertaining their every whim, offering Clarke the longest reprieve she's had in years. Raven takes to being considered an idol by the girls. Offering in depth explanations of every question they bring to her, though they know she’s off limits most of the days, either in Polis with everyone or locked away in the cabin she’s claimed, trying to figure out if they can use the Rover to clear the top of the bunker. 

Murphy’s attitude melts away after a conversation with Clarke their first morning back. He takes to teasing the girls, though he doesn’t seem eager to move onto fixing things with everyone else. No one seems ready to talk with him either, though she hasn’t asked about what happened. 

A part of her is afraid to ask. Not because she thinks they can’t fix it. But asking would be admitting that they lived an entire other life without her, up in the sky. There’s going to undoubtedly be inside jokes she won’t get, bonding moments that exclude her. Relationships formed that replaced her. 

Redirecting from  _ that  _ thought.

Another part is nervous that they don’t want her help anymore. Clearly they got through the last six years without her solving everything. Perhaps it's a thing that time will resolve. Then again, they’ve had all the time in the world to fix this. Maybe it’s a new thing?

She shakes her head, thoughts overwhelming her. 

Going from two other people on the entire surface of the earth to nine, with countless others hopefully on the way, is a bit much. 

They’ll get through it. 

This is fine. 

Everything is fine.

After talking to Murphy, she goes over some school work with the girls, determined to not let their routine get too far off. She also might not be too keen to see Bellamy after last night. Sue her. Ella has a much shorter attention span than Madi, usually puts in about half the work time that Madi does. Usually, she has to stay inside, or near wherever they are. Today, however, Harper and Monty take her for a walk, offering to go pick berries. Ella’s ecstatic about the task, more than proud to show them more of her home. It’s so incredibly nice to have help and not feel like the entirety of three lives are solely on her for the first time in years. 

As much as she’s loved the last few years of peace, this is perfect in ways too. When Madi’s done, she goes fishing with Murphy and they’re all back in time for lunch. She shows Harper and Monty some of the cooking skills she’s learned in the last few years and Murphy runs around with the girls. She gets to talk to other adults, takes a  _ nap _ after lunch. The day has been kind of awesome, really. 

She wakes up and heads outside, her bubble diminishing. Bellamy’s sitting down behind Ella, listening as she talks, _ braiding her hair _ , much the same as Clarke had done for Madi last night. Her eyes go wide, tears burning at the edge of her vision, her stomach twisting. 

Because this was  _ everything _ she had wanted for the last six years, and yet it’s nothing that she wanted. 

Part of her wants to go up to him and scream. Another wants to live in the fantasy for a second, pretend things are fine and good and normal and that he isn’t with someone else. Pretend, and sit next to him, leaning her shoulder into his, asking how on earth he learned to braid. Pretend, and divulge the hardest parts of the last six years to him, tell him how terrified she is that they won’t get the bunker open, that she’s lived with that terror for six years, but has never been able to think about it. 

It hurts, a physical burn in her chest, omnipresent since they landed. 

Which brings her to the thought that’s been plaguing her. 

_ Do you regret it? _

If she could go back and not fall in love with Bellamy, would she? Go back and take that night back, take her _ life  _ back, would it be worth it? Shared smiles, as if they had secrets no one else was in on, forgiveness offered in one breath, love professed in the next. Arms around her that proclaimed she was home. 

But there was pain, too. Demeaning him to nothing more than her spy. Kisses on cheeks outside gates, the overwhelming terror of a knife poised to slip between his ribs, effectively killing him with a quick push. Hands chained to tables moments after she thought he might kiss her. Guns held at the other to save humanity. Rockets propelled into space without her. 

Was it worth it? Is it worth it now? Her heart shatters watching him press his lips to Echo’s. Casual touches exchanged between the pair push the limits of her worst heartbreak. 

Even with all of this weighing her down, she can’t imagine giving it up. Yes, he had caused the most anguish she had felt since she watched her father disappear into space. He’d also brought her the greatest joy and comfort she’d felt, undoubtedly more than she deserved to feel. He’d given her a  _ daughter _ . A ball of giggles and playtime and sandcastles and songs murmured as she fell asleep. 

No, she wouldn’t give up their story, not for anything.

Irregardless, that’s the last thing she probably needs to be thinking about right now. 

Bellamy finishes the braid, causing Ella to turn around and see Clarke. 

“Mom!” she exclaims, jumping up and running to Clarke, “Look at what Bellamy did!” She shows off her braid proudly and Clarke can’t help but smile. 

“Very nice,”she offers, running her hand down the length of the braid. And it is, really. It’s intricate and holds her curly hair back perfectly, it’s decidedly better than any braid Clarke ever tried. 

“It’s a princess braid!”

“A what now?” Clarke looks up to Bellamy, who’s staring down at the ground with a guilty look on his face. 

“A princess braid. I’m his little Princess, that’s what he said.” 

“Oh! Fun.” she stutters through the words. Has she mentioned her heart is tearing itself apart right now? “Thats… fun, El. Can you go head inside and draw something for Harper? She likes butterflies.” Ella nods, running inside. Just as the door slams shut, Clarke turns on Bellamy. 

“What the hell was that? A princess braid, really? _ Your _ little princess?” She grits the words out, but he’s ready for a fight too, hands on his hips, face giving away nothing. 

“She’s my daughter too, Clarke.” He pushes his hair out of his face, like he used to and  _ goddamn _ he’s only gotten more-

_ Nope. None of that, Clarke. _

“She doesn’t even know you!” She explodes, and his face drops.

“You didn’t tell her about me?” There’s heartbreak in his voice and do they only ever hurt each other? 

“I- well- I told her stories about all of you. I just. She doesn’t know everyone has a dad. She only knows me and Madi. And then you didn’t come home and it didn’t seem worth trying to explain”

He moves toward her, and for a second she thinks he’s going to hug her. 

But when Bellamy hugs Clarke, she melts, and would probably cry right now. And she’d want to kiss him and never let him go and well. 

That’s not how things are right now. 

So she takes a step back, shaking her head. 

“Don’t mess with her head Bellamy. She doesn’t need to be more confused and overwhelmed than she is.”

He doesn’t say anything as she heads inside the cabin. In fact, he leaves her alone for the rest of the day. 

That’s what she wanted. Right?

~~

After four full days of Bellamy constantly over Raven’s shoulder, critiquing every idea she threw out, Raven lost it.

“Enough Bellamy!” She screamed. “Go back to your cabin and take a break. I’m not getting anything done with you here.” Embarrassed, he immediately fixed his stare on the ground, making his way out with Echo right behind him, a loving hand on his bicep, a quieted laugh in her smile. 

Once Bellamy had left, with Raven demanding that he was to prove himself useful elsewhere, she started working like a machine. Emori was there with her, the two of them talking with a grace and understanding that hadn’t been there. It was a bit uncomfortable for Clarke to watch. They were so opposite towards each other than they had been before they had left. The two barely knew each other and now it felt like they knew each other best out of the group.

Throughout all this, Emori and Murphy had avoided each other at all costs, much like Clarke with Bellamy. The dynamic was weird, the air tense, and above it all, their people were still in the ground. Madi demanded to be in the center of all the action, debating with Emori and Raven, quietly talking with Murphy, sizing up Bellamy at every chance.

Meanwhile, Clarke had dedicated most of her time to keeping Ella away from Bellamy. Clarke had eyes on her 24/7, if she wasn’t with them. They did school in the morning, around midmorning, Clarke would send Ella out on a walk with Harper. Sometimes she had things to do in the afternoon, so she left them with Murphy, pleading with him to keep Bellamy away. On the days she wasn’t busy, she had taken them swimming, gone on their favorite hikes, picked from their favorite berry bushes, and Ella was eating it up. Bellamy had tried to tag along, but Clarke had assured him it was a bad idea.

And in a very selfish part of Clarke’s brain, the way his face dropped made her feel like she was winning. She was aware of how sick that was. It seemed only fair, however, that if he got to drop from the sky and break her heart, then she got to make him feel even an ounce of the constant pain she was feeling. 

Somewhere, she knew she was happy to see him happy. Relieved he hadn’t spent the last six years heartbroken, like her. But then the other part of her that insisted she never could have moved on from him, would remind her of its presence, tugging at her heart. 

She had loved Bellamy for so long, she had no idea what her move was now to getting over him. How do you move on from something that meant everything to you? How do you move on from someone when they are always there, reminding you of their presence, demanding to be heard. How do you move on when you had spent the last year attempting to move on, and you couldn’t, and that was when he  _ wasn’t _ here.

It hurt. Because for five years she had envisioned him coming home and wrapping her up in his arms, tickling Ella and talking to Madi. He’d come home to her cabin, hold her at night and tell her how much he missed her.

And the second he had stepped foot on the ground again, all those years of fantasies were crushed.

Back in the present, Ella tugged on her hand. Clarke looked down at her, watching as she pointed her hand across the path, standing right in between two trees, to see a deer, silently watching them.

A tiny fawn poked its head out and Ella squealed, causing the deer to bound off. Clarke lifted her onto her hip to get a better view of them leaving and Ella placed her head on Clarke’s shoulder.

Ella’s voice is filled with awe as she speaks, “They’re so pretty.”

“Yeah?” Ella nods, eyes wide. “Maybe we could draw it when we get home.” Ella hummed in agreement with this but then slipped out of her arms and ran off the path, distracted by a flower.

“I’m going to pick them for Madi,” Ella calls back. 

“Good idea,” she calls back.

“She’s a sweetheart,” Bellamy’s voice comes from behind her. Clarke turns, spooked. 

“What are you doing here?” Clarke hisses, keeping her voice low so Ella wouldn’t hear.

“I’m trying to spend some time with my daughter and her mother. I don’t know why you insist on keeping her away from me.” Bellamy says, not allowing the same quiet in his own voice. Luckily, Ella doesn’t seem to notice.

Clarke sighs, and places her head in her hands. “Ella doesn’t need more intrusions in her life right now. And you’re a pretty big one. If this was me trying to get close to Octavia, as a mother figure, and she had never known another person besides you, you would absolutely lose it on me. Afford me the same respect I would give you.”

“That isn’t the same thing at all,” he exclaims. “That girl is biologically mine and I already missed out on being a part of her life for five years, I’m not missing out on more.”

Clarke turns around, “Yeah, well, you already made your decisions with who you’ll be spending your time with. My daughter is staying the hell away from her.”

“This is about Echo?” He’s aghast at the idea, though he shouldn’t be. She’s tried to kill all of them at least once. Which brings her to the point she’s been trying to suppress. How on earth is he with _ her _ ? There’s normal betrayal, that stings bad enough, and then there’s getting together with the person who was behind the death of your girlfriend, threatened the life of the woman you said you loved, and nearly killed your sister. 

“Of course it’s about Echo. She's dangerous Bellamy. I don’t know what happened in space to convince you otherwise.”

“If you’d just give her a chance-”

And in a way, she wants to give into it. Wants to plaster a smile on her face and pretend everything is fine and send Ella off to spend weekends with her dad, like the friends she had on the ark whose parents were divorced. There’s no denying that Bellamy is happy. He smiles all the time now, laughs without a care in the world. Rationally, she knows Bellamy isn’t stupid, and wouldn’t endanger his daughter. 

But it’s the only argument she has left. 

When she gives this up, lets him back into her life that’s it. It’s over. Her daughter would belong to another. She doesn’t want to keep fighting but she doesn’t really have a choice, does she?

“I have two other humans dependent on me to keep them safe. I’m not giving mass murderers second chances. I can’t afford to.”

“As if you’re so innocent and pure,” he scoffs. 

Tears spring to her eyes, then, damnit.

He grabs her arm, “Clarke, no, I’m so sorry I didn’t mean that.”

He tries to hug her, again, and it hurts. It hurts to fight every instinct in her body that tells her to that’s her human. Hurts to pull away. 

She releases a sad laugh, wrapping her arms around herself. “Yeah, you did.” Reaches up and pushes a tear off her face. Shakes her head, plasters that smile back on her face. She’s so tired of smiling. “Don’t worry about it. It’s not like you’re wrong.”

Ella runs up then, complaining that she needs a snack and to give Madi her flowers, ever oblivious. She notices Bellamy, then, looks up at him with a smile, tells him hi, then races back towards the cabins. 

“Can we please talk?” His last plea as he follows her down the path. 

“We can talk when our people are out of that damn bunker.”


	5. I, loved you in secret

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> HI HELLO my sincerest apologies that this update is coming so late. It's also a really short chapter, but I felt like giving what I had was better than making anyone wait longer. 
> 
> Evermore + the holidays took a TOLL on me, as well as just normal life responsibilities. 
> 
> playlist for this fic is [here](https://open.spotify.com/playlist/7ESc6reUXFLnUEzzcKs3s8)
> 
> quick note that this ends with a flashback that leads a bit into the next chapter

Everyone but Clarke, Harper, Murphy, Madi and Ella leave for Polis the next day. Hugs are exchanged, wishes of “stay safe”, long kisses between Harper and Monty that Clarke covers Ella’s eyes during, which just results in Ella giggling hysterically. 

They’re planning to be gone for a few days, staying in Polis until they can open the bunker, and then send Monty and Raven back. It’s up to Clarke then, if she wants to take Ella and Madi to Polis one last time. It’s all hinging on whether or not Abby is still alive. 

Disregarding that, Clarke was extremely nervous. No one knew how things would play out once the bunker was opened. Assimilating everyone into the valley would be a challenge, though, hopefully not too huge of one. As long as Octavia had kept everything relatively peaceful the last six years, it should be more of a transport from one place to the other. 

But this was Octavia she was talking about. She wasn’t exactly known for being the most stable. Clarke was trying really hard to be optimistic. Years of training to expect the worst weren’t exactly easy to shake off, though. 

The days of waiting are agonizing. Clarke’s on edge, waiting for everything to fall apart. On more than one occurrence she zones out, not realizing that someone is talking to her. 

Which brings her to Murphy poking her arm as she forces herself to focus. 

“Clarke.” Poke. “Clarke.” Another poke. “Clarke.” 

She startles, turning towards him. “What?”

He raises a brow, gesturing around the fire, where everyone else has left. 

“Oh.”

“Yeah. Are you doing okay?” He asks, voice gentle. 

Clarke bites her lip, trying not to overwhelm him with everything that’s been pouring through her head the past few days. 

“I’m good,” she answers, careful not to let too much emotion into her voice. “Just have a headache.”

Murphy doesn’t buy the lie, however, leaning into her. “Are you sure?”

Clarke sighs, burying her head in her hands. _ Deep breaths _ , she coaches herself. “I’m just feeling a bit overwhelmed, you know?” Murphy nods, throwing an arm around her shoulders. He’s silent, encouraging her to keep talking. “I’m not entirely sure what to do about the Bellamy situation. I don’t want to deal with any of this, either. I know I should be happier now that I’m not so alone, but things are way more complicated than they were when it was just me and the girls. Do you know how much easier parenting is when it’s just your way all the way all the time?” She gives a weak laugh and Murphy offers a smile. “Now it just feels like I have all these  _ things _ to deal with and no matter what I do, someone’s not happy.” A shrug. “Just like it was six years ago. Except this time I was naive enough to think things would change.” Really it was supposed to be a nonchalant fact, just the way things are in her life, but the weight of the statement hits her. 

She’s back where she was before, with more responsibilities, and no Bellamy standing by her side through it. 

A sob wracks through her body, seemingly uncontrollable. Murphy wraps an arm around her, but where someone else might try and comfort her with meaningless words , he offers her honesty. 

“You’re not alone Clarke. You’re not, okay? I know,  _ trust me _ , I know the last six years have been hard, but we’re all here for you now.” He shakes his head, looking ready to roll his eyes, at what, though, Clarke has no idea. Then he says: “And Bellamy will be off his bullshit soon enough.”

She’s confused, though doesn’t particularly want to ask. For the first time in a few days, she’s starting to feel better, and doesn’t want to ruin that thinking about Bellamy. She can and will get over this, but she’s just not there yet. Already, she can feel the distance healing.  _ Distance makes the heart grow fonder, she thinks _ . A stupid phrase used on earth to justify something, though she doesn’t quite understand. That was a time of ridiculous, fruitless passions. Pursuits that could fail and even then, they would be okay. 

The end of the world was not quite so forgiving. And perhaps calling it so was overdramatic. Excuse her if she was pissed at her lot in life, having spent the last six years readying for disaster after disaster, and even before then really. 

Even now, with what should have been a reprieve, she was dealing with more and more loss, emotional, rather than the physical she was used to. 

Clarke hadn’t decided what pain was worse. Spending the past days so close to everything she had once had, but blocked by a wall of unrequited love had been hell, she was convinced. 

On the other hand, he looked happy, and he was alive. Not quite a loss, not quite a win. 

Clarke collects herself, leaning a shoulder into Murphy before pulling away, wiping at the tears and offering a smile. She changes the subject, asking about the last six years, and that’s that. Everyone avoids the topic of Bellamy for the rest of the time. 

~~

“So?” She asks, impatient, even as Monty is just barely hopping out of the Rover. Ella’s on her hip, just about to go down for a nap, but that was before the heard the roar of the Rover approaching. 

He smiles, hopping down. “Abby’s alive and well.” He hugs her and Ella, before moving on to see Harper, and that’s that. 

She gets another chance; to be a daughter. Perhaps things between them might even improve this go around. They’ll be a family. (Someone else was supposed to be her family, though.) 

Harper and Monty separate, “Can we go now?” She asks. Things weren’t great before her mother was buried underneath the ground, but she’s still her mother. The last adult figure in her life. In the deepest parts of her heart, the things that she would never admit, she’s yearned for her dad. He offered something different than Abby had, something she wanted, needed, lately. Regardless, her mother is still here, and there’s an undeniable pull there, the yearning for support from a parent.

Harper lifts Ella from her, the girl immediately melting into Harper. “I think this little one needs a nap before we do anything.” Clarke nods, moving to help Raven unpack their bags. 

“Monty and Emori are staying back, you and I are heading to Polis tomorrow morning,” Raven addresses her with a grimace. “Why don’t you go put Ella down and then we can talk.”

Clarke nods, Harper heading with her.

They all lazily congregate around the fire that night. Murphy’s whittling away at god knows what, away from everyone except Ella, glued to his side as he whispers to her. Probably some story that’ll get Ella in trouble later, quickly followed by a reprimanding of Murphy. It’s already happened several times. The swear words Clarke felt she wasn’t allowed to say verbally for the last six years have already worked their way into Ella’s vocabulary. 

Clarke rolls her eyes. All in all, it’s the least of her worries. It was more comical than anything, and honestly, she’s not sure what the issue is. They’re just words. Worse things could happen. Worse things _ have _ happened. 

Raven, Monty, Emori, and Harper are talking across from her. The first three looking mildly distressed. 

Speaking of worse things. 

Isolated words reach her ears, “bunker, Octavia, weird, Blodreina”.

Clarke can’t be bothered to deal with it honestly. Madi’s already asleep, having been out fishing most of the day, and everyone else doesn’t look far from it. 

Everyone but her and Raven get up not much later, Murphy dragging Ella into their cabin to put her down. Clarke stays sitting by the fire, staring unceasingly into it, the bursts of heat calming her. 

Raven gets up, making her way next to Clarke, staying silent for a few minutes. 

Then, without much warning, as Raven does, “Something weird happened in that bunker. Everyone is a lot different.” Clarke sighs.

“Six years is a long time. We’ve all changed a lot.” Silence met her for a few moments before Raven spoke up.

“No, I think it’s more than that. They’re all really skittish, Octavia’s fucking terrifying.” Clarke chuckles. 

“That doesn’t sound new.” Raven returns a weak smile, shaking her head. 

“It’s something more, I don’t know. You’ll see when you get there.” Clarke tenses, the thought of bringing the girls with her suddenly horrifying. 

“How bad, Raven?” 

Raven grimaces again before answering. “Just be careful. I’m sure it’s not a big deal, everything is just really jarring right now, getting used to each other again.” She picks a stick up off the ground tossing it into the fire. “Real fire is really nice. Never realized how much I would miss it.”

Clarke can relate. She shakes that thought off, determined to stop turning back to him at every other thought. 

“Going without changes your perspective a lot.”

Raven shoots her a look, brow up. 

“She’s changed a lot, you know.” Clarke feigns ignorance for a moment, but Raven just shoots her that same face. “Come on. It won’t kill you to give them a chance.”

“It might.”

“They aren’t the same people they were six years ago.”

And duh, Raven. Clarke of all people ought to be aware of that. 

She voices the thought, and Raven just shakes her head, a hint of disappointment on her face. 

“We watched out a window as the world we left went up in flames. You can’t blame him for assuming that there was no chance you survived.”

“I’m going to bed. I don’t want to have this conversation.”

“Then when are you going to have it? Because you can’t avoid him for the rest of your life.”

“Watch me.” Clarke gets up, striding towards the cabin. 

Raven snorts unkindly. “You’re right, we all have changed a lot. Because when it came to Bellamy Blake, the Clarke Griffin I knew was a lot more understanding.” 

That was a different Clarke Griffin though, a Clarke that had convinced herself she had to take care of everyone else. Hadn’t learned the freedom of choosing her family first. 

That Clarke carried the weight of the world, hadn’t realized that no matter what she did, people would hate her. 

When she chose her people, even they looked at her with fear. When she thought she had chosen everyone, Bellamy had despised her. And again, when she chose her people, she’d gained the hatred of everyone but a select few who she didn’t particularly care for. And Bellamy? Bellamy had gone back to despising her. 

~~

Harper and Monty end up going with them. It was a relief, honestly, after her conversation with Raven that she was fine staying back with Murphy and Emori.

Harper and Monty have Ella in the back with them, passing her between each other as they point things out in the windows. Giggles flow from her mouth to everyone’s ear consistently throughout the drive. Clarke smiles, as her and Madi chat quietly, talking about what she might expect to see from all these new people. They talk about her mother, about life on the Ark, something they’ve rarely discussed. 

“What was your father like?” 

What was her father like? He was caring, willing to give all of himself for the people he loved. 

That had included everyone on the ark, unfortunately. He’d cared so deeply, given so much. And it had killed him. She’d thought on that nearly everyday for the past six years. She had her own little family now, and as much as she’d adored her father, she knew she couldn’t repeat his mistakes, not anymore. Perhaps when it’d just been her and a bunch of people she couldn’t get close to, but she had daughters now. When it came to it, she’d choose them before anyone else. 

Clarke opens her mouth to describe him to Madi, before promptly shutting it. The words catch in her throat. 

“He was - he was good.” She searches for the right words, but nothing comes. 

A pregnant pause fills the air between them in the front seat.

“Do you miss him?” Madi’s voice is quieter, far away, as it gets sometimes, when they talk about the one’s they’ve lost. Too young to know such loss, and too grown to not blame themselves to some degree. 

“Everyday.” 

Madi’s quiet for the rest of the drive, as the words swim in Clarke’s head. Today’s hurt is more bittersweet, though it will be something entirely different tomorrow. Grief ebbs and flows through her constantly, never really leaving. She’s used to it, but reminders bring it back to the surface. 

Polis is still hard to see. It’s too blunt, offering no apology for Praimfaya. Nothing left, as though some god had decided they must pay the price for the havoc they had caused. Again.

Perhaps this time, humanity might thrive, with all the knowledge of its past mistakes.

The melancholy of Polis is quickly swept away as her people come into sight. A group of Skaikru is gathered together, clearly expecting them. Clarke pulls up right before them, throwing the Rover into park and jumping out. Abby meets her halfway, throwing her arms around her. Not a common gesture for her, by most measures.

“Oh Clarke, you’re okay,” her mother breathed into her ear. Clarke nodded, not letting go of her. This is home. This feels like the last six years of pain being erased, because for a moment, this is nothing more than her mother consoling her over a scraped knee. And then Abby pulls back, and the weight of the world eases itself back onto Clarke’s shoulders. Especially with the small head of curly black hair that comes barreling into her shin.

Clarke pulls Ella up to her hip in a swift move.

“Mom, this is Ella. My daughter.”

~~

_ Jaha told me once, recounted that leadership was a lonely pursuit. I could laugh at that now. Pursuit, as though we had ever chosen it, and not been thrust into it for fear of those we loved.  _

_ But it was never lonely, not with you. I told him that. Leadership up here is certainly the loneliest thing I’ve ever felt.  _

_ He said that I kept you centered.  _

_ Bullshit, though I didn’t realize how deeply ridiculous it was at the time.  _

_ I am  _ nothing _ , without you.  _

_ Some days I wonder, what might have happened without Praimfaya. In the deepest of delusions, I consider that things would have been perfectly normal and safe. In that case, I think we would have left Arkadia. I think the friction between you and your mother would become too much. I think we’d fight about it, at first, and you’d convince yourself that the disloyalty behind such an act would destroy you.  _

_ And you’d be mad at me for a couple of days, and then we’d consider it again.  _

_ Maybe we’d go to the ocean. I’ve always wanted to learn how to swim.  _

_ Sometimes thinking like that helps. Other days it just drives me deeper into the grief.  _

_ Today is one of those days.  _

_ I’m sorry for all the time we didn’t get, that I couldn’t give you.  _

_ Bellamy _


	6. we're a crooked love, in a straight line down

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Happy new year! Here's chapter six 
> 
> Playlist for this fic is [here](https://open.spotify.com/playlist/7ESc6reUXFLnUEzzcKs3s8?si=zGCnVFdLQHyUgqqJtjFQyg)
> 
> content warning for mentions of Abby's drug addiction.

Things fall apart in succession from there.

Abby’s cautiously elated, which is the best Clarke could probably hope for. She doesn’t ask who Ella’s father is, not that anyone really needs to to figure it out. Marcus quickly picks up a conversation with Madi, ever the mentor. His eyes keep shifting to Abby, however. Clarke can’t figure out what it means. It’s more than love, there’s something like worry there. 

Another thing filed away to deal with later. 

Clarke’s on edge, not that she ever hasn’t been, truthfully. But this is peace, Clarke isn’t alone, she has help again. 

And yet something in the pit of her stomach nags at her, ready for everything to collapse. She’s silent as everyone talks, quietly observing the dynamic. 

Slowly, Madi and Ella’s shyness melts away. Madi starts telling stories, prompted by Kane’s questions, and Ella fills in the bits she deems important. 

Despite the nervousness coursing through her veins, Clarke’s heart lifts to the thought of  _ family.  _

It’s quickly ruined by Bellamy, arguing with Octavia, before he storms off. 

Once upon a time she would have gone over there, reassured him that he was doing his best. 

However, once upon a time’s belong in fairytales, and this is anything but. 

Then Octavia heads towards them, and her pulse picks up. 

Her eyes are dark, and she wears that same heaviness Clarke did after Mount Weather, though hidden better than Clarke had. A ridiculous red cape flows behind her, a sword tucked at her side. 

Clarke feels her stomach double over with anxiety as she swaggers towards them. 

“Well this is heartwarming.” She starts, eyes flitting around everyone, snagging on Ella and Madi.

Abby and Kane look down, leaving Clarke to nod. 

Octavia does another scan around their group. “I need to talk to Clarke.”

Clarke’s blood pounds in her ears as she moves to follow her. 

“Who are those girls?” Poison leaks from her voice, and Clarke’s eyes dart toward where she saw Bellamy head. He’s not anywhere she can see. Did he tell her?

“The younger is mine.”

“And Bellamy’s.” Octavia finishes for her. Clarke grimaces, but nods. 

“The older is Madi, I found her after Praimfaya.” Octavia processes the information, wheels seemingly visibly spinning in her head. 

The Octavia they left on the ground wasn’t power hungry, the only thing offering Clarke hope as she waits for a response. Ella wouldn’t be considered a legitimate commander. But Madi-

“ _ Natblida _ ,” Octavia hisses, her eyes darting back to where everyone is gathered, pretending. It’s a threat, a curse.

Clarke goes to place her hand on Octavia’s arm, but she takes a step back. 

“Do  _ not  _ touch me.” 

“Octavia,” she pleads. “She doesn’t want to be commander. Leave her alone. Leave us alone.”

Octavia doesn’t respond, sizing Clarke up instead. 

“Get out.”

Clarke doesn’t think twice as Octavia struts away. 

“We have to go,” Clarke starts, her hands on Madi’s shoulders. “Now.” Abby and Marcus shoot her confused looks, but she shakes her head. “Go see if Harper and Monty want to come with us. If not we can send someone else back with the Rover.” Marcus nods, breaking into a run towards where Harper and Monty are talking with Miller and Jackson. 

Her mom helps her load the girls into the Rover, mercifully not questioning anything. Marcus gets Harper and Monty, and then they’re off without a second thought. 

Clarke doesn’t dare take a breath until they’re out of Polis. No one tries to stop them, thankfully. Her stomach turns as she drives. Everyone’s silent, Ella exhausted, half asleep on Madi’s arm. Madi’s eyes are wide, and though it’s been six years, Clarke can’t help seeing that young girl that feared her, cautiously approaching her once she’d seen Clarke’s vulnerabilities.  _ She knows. _ Any hope of hiding her fears from Madi are crushed with a look back at her. 

Monty’s eyeing Abby and Marcus strangely. 

But no one says anything. 

_ Deep breaths, Clarke.  _ They’re out, and for now, Madi is safe. 

_ But what about when Octavia brings her people to the valley?  _ Clarke doesn’t dare pay more than a moment’s attention to the thought. 

One step at a time.

A sigh of relief escapes Clarke when they make it to camp, and everyone slowly makes their way out, dazed looks on all their faces. 

Harper shoots her a pitying look as Clarke carries Ella into their cabin, and not for the girl in her arms. 

Madi follows her, her face still pale, eyes still holding that haunted look, but, there’s a bit of fire there, the fire that kept her going for weeks after losing everyone she loved. 

“You have to tell Bellamy” is the first thing out of her lips. 

Clarke’s taken aback, to say the least. “Tell him what?”

“About Octavia,” Clarke shakes her head, “Yes, you do. He’ll keep you safe, keep us safe.”

“Madi-”

“I’m right” she urges. “He’s the only one that could help, he’s the only one Octavia would listen to.”

“Don’t you think I would count on that if I could?” Clarke doesn’t mean to snap at her, and for a second, she sees herself, urging her own mother to listen to her. She feels the anger at her mother belittling everything she’d put her through, directly or not. Clarke shakes her head. “I’m sorry, I just- he’s not the same anymore. I know I told you stories and that’s all you know of him, but six years changes people Madi.” Tears rise to her eyes, involuntarily. “I can’t risk you guys like that.”

“You’re being stupid and prideful.” The attack comes out of nowhere, just as her urge for Clarke to trust Bellamy did. 

“You don’t have any idea what you’re talking about.” Madi just glares at her before stomping away, going to slam the door but catching it at the last moment, remembering Ella. She throws another glare at Clarke, and then she’s on her way. 

Clarke rolls her eyes, turning back towards her more manageable daughter for the moment. Though, she’s sleeping, so the bar isn’t high. 

She ought to apologize to Madi. Her biggest fear is ending up like her mother, dismissing anything Madi has to say, and making her feel unimportant. She gets it better now. Abby had impossible decisions to make, both her parents did. 

It doesn’t excuse what Abby did. But it makes more sense, now that she can see it from a parents perspective. She would never send Madi to die like that, but she gets the wanting to protect her, even as she knows how much she’s been through. Of course, it’s not the same situation, but her lense on life has changed. 

She’s long since forgiven her, but the lesson remains. Hypocrisy should have no place in her parenting, and it’s important that they communicate. 

But she’ll let Madi cool down. They’re both nervous, and this is undoubtedly bringing up bad memories and awful emotions for Madi. 

They don’t fight often, though they haven’t had much cause for conflict before this. Nevertheless, Clarke would like to think she’s got it down to a science. Cool down time for the both of them, and then an honest conversation without emotions hot. Compromise, then a hug, then a reminder that Clarke loves her. 

She takes a deep breath, sinking down into a chair, running her hands over her face. 

Things are going to be okay, right?

But if they aren’t-

_ No, Clarke. _

_ But- _

She pulls a map of the valley out of a drawer next to the table. 

~~

Murphy does a double take when they get back. He’s got firewood piled up in his arms, and he’d assumed they’d stay for the night at least. If not longer. Clarke, ever the diplomat, ought to be in discussions with Octavia, right?

No, as it turns out. 

Clarke looks as though she’s seen a ghost, completely closed off as opposed to the nervous but excited woman that had left this morning. Everyone’s back with them, Marcus and Abby included, now. Relief colors their faces as they take in the camp. 

The tension is palpable, ready to burst with a moment's notice. 

Though the cause is unknown. Murphy drops the pile off quickly, thankfully, because Clarke is catching up to him just as soon. 

“Octavia’s lost her mind.”

He snorts. “How are you honestly surprised? Six years in that bunker would drive anyone crazy.”

“She threatened Madi.”

That catches his attention. 

He turns toward her, eyes wide. “She did what now?”

Clarke shakes her head, a hand rubbing at her temple as though there’s an ache there. “Not exactly but-” she cuts off, eyes darting around them, looking for what, he’s not sure. “She was none too pleased that a real nightblood still existed.”

“Why on earth would she-” he stops himself as the pieces come together. “Octavia?” Clarke nods. “What are you going to do? What did Bellamy say?”

“He wasn’t there.”

“Did you-”

“Murphy, please, not you too.” Her voice comes out exhausted, so he stops, throwing an apologetic look her way. “Madi thinks I should talk to him.”

“It couldn’t hurt.”

Clarke glares at him, kicking at a rock in front of her feet. “It could hurt a lot of things.”

“Like?”

She shakes her head, eyes cast downward. “He’s with Echo. God knows what she thinks of the flame, what side she’d take.” A deep, exhausted breath. “And it’s Octavia. Just because he loves- loved me.” Another breath. “Doesn’t mean he would choose me over her. Choose us over her.”

Murphy’s not sure what to respond, so he plays at a joke. “The flame is a load of shit.” 

Clarke snorts, quickly sobering again. “She’s a fucking tyrant. I doubt people are happy with her rule. And if the grounders see an alternative, a way out-”

She quiet for a moment. “She’s younger than we were.”

“So give her the choice.”

A guffaw, “She doesn’t want it, Murphy, trust me. Besides, she should get to be a kid. Fuck their flame.”

They walk in silence for a few minutes, before: “What’s going on with you and Emori?” Murphy stiffens. It’s a perfectly fair question.

“It’s a long story.” Defeat colors her face. “It’s fine, Clarke,” he offers. There’s no reason for her to take this on herself too. 

“What a pair we make, huh?” The conversation clicks, with that statement. Of course she thinks everything with Octavia is her fault.

But she blames herself for what’s happened with Bellamy. 

He shouldn’t be surprised. She’s always been that way. Though she doesn’t show it, not when it comes to him. Openly, she’ll carry the other weights. She’ll take that responsibility and wear it in front of anyone. Bellamy’s an entirely different case. 

She hides that guilt, buries it within the walls of her heart. 

Just as she’s doing with her girls, now. 

It makes sense. Those things dearest to her will always be the things she protects most vigilantly. If not for him being the exact same way, he likely wouldn’t have ever recognized it. 

He might never convince himself that things aren’t his fault, but he can offer a hint of reassurance to her. 

“You haven’t done anything wrong, Clarke.” She looks up, surprised, when he says that. She goes to shake her head, but he presses forward. “You’ve gone through hell the last six years, and I know that’s taken a toll. You’re just doing your best, so go easier on yourself.” Her cheeks are flaming.  _ When was the last time someone bothered to tell her that? _

She shoves her shoulder into his, doesn’t meet his eyes as she says. “Same to you.” Her tone turns teasing. “Except for a few things. Some things are definitely your fault.”

“Go float yourself,” he says, returning the earlier shove. She laughs, only sounding a little forced, and he counts it as a victory. There’s a bit of brightness in her eyes that have otherwise been much too dull. 

He might not believe he deserves much good, but he’ll fight like hell for her to believe that she does.

~~

Talking with Murphy leaves Clarke feeling a bit more secure. Madi’s still gone, and Ella’s still asleep, so she sits down with Marcus, Monty and Harper to plan out the valley. 

They go over vague details, Marcus offering estimates as far as numbers, but never going into particulars. Monty keeps looking at him strangely, but doesn’t explain why.

Then, “Maybe we should talk about the fighting pits.” Marcus blanches, and Monty looks as though he wants to take it back the second the words are out. 

“The what?” Clarke asks. She turns her gaze to Harper, who doesn’t look baffled, like Clarke feels. 

No one says anything for a second. Then Harper pipes up. 

“When they opened the bunker, Marcus was in them.” Clarke feels her eyes go wide. 

“That doesn’t explain what they are.”

Marcus looks down towards his feet. “We don’t know what it was for. Just saw it when we were down there.” He looks accusingly towards Marcus. 

Marcus sighs, “Things got bad pretty quick. Anyone who disobeyed Octavia was sent to the fighting pits.”

“What did you do?”

“Nothing. I said some things that she wasn’t happy with.” Marcus immediately jumps back into planning. 

_ Lie, lie, lie. _

Within a few minutes, Marcus makes an excuse to leave. Ella wanders out from her nap not long after, and they start on dinner. Abby comes up to help them, letting Ella chat away about anything and everything, particularly the things Clarke’s been teaching her lately. Always her curious girl. 

Madi doesn’t show up before dinner, which worries Clarke. She’s never not been home before dark, and though there’s still a few hours of daylight, it’s rare that she stays away for this long. 

Doesn’t show up during dinner, doesn’t show up after dinner. 

An hour left, if Clarke had to guess. Ella will go down for bed soon, and Madi still isn’t here. A twinge in her heart.  _ What if she ran away? _

Clarke leaves Ella with Harper, dragging Murphy to go look with her. 

Not at their climbing tree, not near the river, not by the forts the girls built this summer. 

_ Gone, gone, gone.  _

Murphy says little as they look, just prompting her to keep looking every once in a while. 

“What about the dropship?” He asks, just as the sun is beginning to dip below the mountains. 

“What?” Clarke collapses against a tree, closing her eyes for a second. 

“Maybe she went to the dropship we came in.” 

A deep breath. “May as well look, I guess.”

_ They should’ve brought the Rover, Clarke shouldn’t listened, Clarke shouldn’t have taken them to Polis, Clarke should’ve hid Ella, Clarke shouldn't have fallen in love with Bellamy, Clarke should’ve- _

“Clarke. Clarke breathe, we can’t look for her if you don’t breathe,” Murphy coaches. 

Deep breath in, deep breath out. Get to Madi. 

“Sorry,” she rasps, hands on her knees. 

“Let’s go.” He pulls her up by her hand, heading toward the dropship. Not far from it, the sound of objects being thrown greets their ears. Murphy falls back as Clarke runs inside, finding Madi in the middle of it, wrecking everything she can get her hands on. 

She stops when she notices Clarke standing there, a defeated look on her face, chest heaving, arms limp at her side. 

“Oh Madi,” Clarke moves to her, wrapping her up in her arms, even though Madi’s quickly pushing to be taller than her. 

“I hate this,” she says, voice muffled by her face on Clarke’s shoulder. “This isn’t what was supposed to happen.”

And  _ god  _ if Clarke doesn’t feel the exact same way. 

“I know, Madi, I know.” She coos, running her hand through the girls’ curls. Slowly, Madi’s breathing returns to normal, the tears slow. 

Clarke murmurs the plan in her ear, Madi quickly agreeing, before they go out to meet Murphy and head back to camp. 

“It’s going to be okay,” Clarke promises that night, sitting on the bed next to Madi. Madi drifts off to sleep not much later, leaving Clarke to get everything ready. 

~~

When Clarke was on the Ark, Old Earth Science was one of her favorite subjects. Though they were only permitted to study it when they were younger, as it was considered a waste of time. No one had any idea what the Earth held now that it had been through a nuclear war. What little they could gleam from weather patterns 254 miles above the Earth proved that it had changed a lot. Nevertheless, Clarke found the tales of tornadoes and earthquakes fascinating. That a rock in the middle of a solar system created by a chance of fate could provide so much destruction to itself and its inhabitants.

Hurricanes were a personal fascination for her. Water, something so harmless, could hurt so much. But of the few things she had learned that she still knew to be true through and through, it was always the things you put the most trust in that hurt so badly. It had only been the people she considered family that had the ability to hurt her the most. Her father’s death, her mother’s betrayal. Wells’ death, every single one of the 100 that she had failed. Jasper. Finn. The list went on and on.

And for some damned reason, she still hadn’t anticipated this storm. The years of solo motherhood had let her believe everyone would come home and go back to where they had been before. As her girls dreamed, she let herself drift into imagination with them. 

Now, she would pay the price for that miscalculation. Pay the price for buying into that god damned lie. Buying into the fantasy. 

“The withdrawals are always hard, you know that.” Kane’s voice. 

Clarke  _ was _ gathering things she and the girls would need for the next night, just the bare minimum of rations until they could get properly set up. 

She’d sincerely thought everyone asleep, they’d been back at camp for hours now, but Kane’s up, with someone she can’t see. 

_ Withdrawals? _

_ Who the hell would be- _

Clarke peeks around the corner of the cabin she was about to pass by, and sees Abby and Marcus seated on the porch. 

“They’re fine. I’m fine.” Irritability, in her mother’s voice. 

“You were going to have to get off them sometime, Abby.” He was- was he stealing pills for her? In the bunker? Was that why they found him in the fighting pits?

“I’m not addicted to them. It was for the headaches, you know that.” Denial, it would seem. 

“Abby…”

“No, Marcus. Don’t.” The sound of feet on wood, and then the door slams. 

A deep sigh, next. Abby left, then. 

Does she confront him? Talk to him about it? She’s got an opening now, without her mother present. The decision is made for her, when Kane gets up and heads back inside. 

A drug addict. Her mother is a fucking drug addict. When Clarke spent the last six years alone, handling two little girls on her own, her mother decided dealing with an angry young adult was too much and turned to pills. .

Sympathy had grown to become a strong suit for Clarke those 6 years. She would never have survived if she didn’t do her best to understand what others were feeling. She had sympathized with everything everyone had done the last year of their normal lives.

And yet there was not a single cell in her body that could feel sympathetic towards this woman. Her mother had floated her father. She didn’t deserve forgiveness and yet Clarke had found it in her to afford it toward her mother. All too soon she had moved on with Marcus, giddily in love while her daughter took the burden of leadership, doing virtually nothing helpful while Clarke had given and given and given.

Clarke had broken because of how little support she had from her mother, had had to turn to Bellamy for help. A practical stranger. When she lost her friends in the mountain, Abby had put all her effort forward to keep her from helping them.

Time and time again Clarke had excused the behavior that had slowly contributed to crushing her as she suffered the bulk of every tragedy on her shoulders. Yet it was her mother that had turned to drugs to forget.

What god had she pissed off to decide that this was her lot in life?

Her first instinct is to talk to Bellamy. Even after six years she never did quite break that habit. Hence the daily radio calls. She almost picks the radio back up.

But Bellamy isn’t here. He’s still in Polis with  _ Echo.  _

Another person she has no interest feeling sympathy towards. The woman that had tried to kill them several times over, had been the reason Bellamy’s girlfriend had been killed. 

Besides, no one else has ever bothered to sympathize with her, even as she sacrificed  _ everything  _ for everyone else. 

So why bother, anymore?

She doesn’t care, she tells herself. Doesn’t mind that he chose Echo of anyone up on the ring. Doesn’t care that he gave up on her so quickly. 

As long as he’s happy, that’s all that matters. But she can’t sit here and watch it, anymore. 

Things are bad enough, with Octavia ready to take Madi out of the equation, bad enough with her mother causing issues that will undoubtedly fall on Clarke to fix. Bad enough, when the love of her life is with someone else. Their enemy, no doubt. 

Why does everything go back to him?

Ever so quietly, Clarke makes her way back to their cabin. Both the girls are sound asleep, and she’s loath to wake them. 

But she has to. 

Quickly, she packs everything she’s collected, into the backpacks they’ll take. It’ll be a pain to move without the Rover, but if they take that then no one will be able to get to and from Polis. Not to mention giving everyone an easily discernible trail to find them. 

Clarke wakes Madi first, a gentle hand on her shoulder. She’s up quickly, trained to be on guard, those instincts coming back tenfold with everything going on. 

“What’s going on?” Madi whispers by default. 

“We have to go tonight.” A nod. She jumps up, throwing on clothes, taking account of everything Clarke has packed. 

She grabs a few extra things while Clarke gets Ella up and dressed, making up a story about why they have to leave. 

Clarke can tell her the truth, later, when they’re safe. For now, they’re headed to the lake for a trip. 

She just doesn’t specify how long they’ll be gone, or which lake they’re headed to. 

It’ll be a few days, without the rover, and with Ella having to walk. Clarke can’t carry her on top of everything she’s packed. 

They make it out of camp without trouble. They’ve got a few hours till daylight, when they can stop. Clarke has it all mapped out. A cave to sleep in here, and a grove that will hide them well there. And then they’ll be by the lake, far away from where they’ll hopefully settle.

The first few hours pass without incident, but then-

The snap of a twig behind them. 

Clarke whirls, prompting the girls behind her. 

But it’s just Murphy. 

“What the hell are you doing?” Clarke hisses. He’s got a pack of his own. How did he figure it out?

“This isn’t a new trick for you, Griffin” he drawls. Clarke glares, and he chuckles. “I didn’t tell anyone. I just figured I’d tag along. It’s not like anyone back there will miss me.”

She eyes him, but it makes sense. And it might be nice to have an extra pair of hands. 

Clarke sighs, and dumps one of her bags on his shoulder. “As long as you pull your weight.”

He salutes her mockingly, but offers a genuine smile. “Of course.”

With Murphy carrying an extra pack, Clarke’s able to put Ella on her back, where she falls asleep in minutes. She’s a bit pissed at Murphy, but they make it to the first stop an hour earlier than she anticipated, so she really ought not to complain. 

_ We’re going to be okay. _


	7. it's just a matter of time, 'til she fights back

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> yall I am SO SORRY I swear I mean to update regularly and I'm not even dealing with writer's block I just get distracted. I had a crazy first week of the year with some family issues and then wanting to wrap up another fic and then having a friend request a fic for her bday that got way too fucking long. I'm going to try and have this wrapped up before mid-March. it's turning out to be longer than I was anticipating. 
> 
> also I never said this, but this fic title comes from the Bonnie and Clyde musical, specifically lyrics from Dyin' Ain't So Bad which is the only song I've listened to from that one lmao. 
> 
> this chapter title is from Blowback by the Killers. 
> 
> as always, playlist for this fic is [here](https://open.spotify.com/playlist/7ESc6reUXFLnUEzzcKs3s8)
> 
> content note for depictions of a panic attack in this chapter

Bellamy wakes up in a cold sweat, nerves wracking his body. Someone’s next to him, and oh god, she’s okay. 

He pulls her into his arms, reassuring himself that she’s okay, she’s alive, they’re fine. 

But everything is wrong. His hands don’t meet soft curves, instead, sharp edges, and too long hair. 

Echo, this is Echo. 

Clarke’s already left Polis. She’s not here anymore. 

Echo isn’t the abnormal, Clarke in his bed, that would be odd. 

His traitorous heart speeds up, begging him to find her, and assure himself that she’s okay.  _ She’s not here, not here, not here.  _

But she’s fine. He’s sure of that. They took Abby and Kane back with them. She’ll be okay. 

Damn his stupid head, and that stupid nightmare. Bellamy lies back, realizes he’s still panting, still sweating. 

She’s alive. He saw her, just today. She’s okay. 

The nightmare isn’t a new one. Ever since he saw the world go up in flames, he’s been visited nightly by reminders that he failed her. He left her. He let her die. He didn’t fight for her. He gave up on her. 

Echo doesn’t wake up, mercifully. It’s awkward, though she tries to not make it so. But he hasn’t had these nightmares since they made it to the ground. How the hell would he explain to her that even as he knows her alive, and well, he still worries? He will never not worry. She is half of him, the mother of their child. His child. Theirs. His’. Her’s. 

His breathing evens out, and guilt wracks through him.

He’s with Echo. He’s supposed to stay with Echo. He promised her things wouldn’t change. 

The problem, though, is that he can’t decide what he ought to do. If he stays with Echo, is he no better than Octavia’s father, leaving as soon as things went wrong? 

But he didn’t know.

What does it mean, now that he does?

He knows what he wants. 

What his heart screams for him to do. But he’s had to learn how to make decisions with his head, rather than his heart, in the last six years. Even with Clarke returned to him, it’s not so simple as going back to trusting what used to make sense. 

No - that’s not right. This is not the same Clarke he held six years ago. They’ve barely spoken, after thinking the other dead. 

He’s not sure how to fix it, not sure what he’s supposed to do. 

Who’s he supposed to talk to? Not Octavia, certainly not Echo. Once upon a time he would have consulted Clarke, but god knows that’s not an option. 

Bellamy’s spent six years with the same small group of people, and yet he’s never felt as alone as he does now. 

No matter what he does, he’s failing someone. 

But-

There’s a child, children, in the equation. God, he missed so many years of her life. 

It’s interesting, heart wrenching, to wonder what she might have been like. 

Octavia had been born independent, as though even from the time she was an infant, she knew her existence was wrong. She grew quickly, talking before any kid Bellamy had heard of, nearly potty training herself. As though she was determined to be better than the people outside the door that could roam freely, because if they had a leg up that way, she needed something to even the score. Bellamy remembered little of his own growth during those years of his life but he couldn’t help wondering as he reflected on that, if Ella had been the same. He ought to know, if not for Clarke’s insistence that he have nothing to do with her.

He couldn’t blame her for it though, not really. Not when he would have done the same thing with Octavia.

He shook his head, it was easy to get lost in thinking of Clarke, thinking of Ella. To go from the mindset that his Clarke was dead. Left behind on Earth, giving the ultimate sacrifice so that they might live, to knowing that she was alive and he had a child with her, was a shock, it put it lightly.

Turning, he glances over at Echo, asleep next to him. And the answer comes.

It wouldn’t be long before he would have to end it with her. Not when the part of his heart he had left back on earth was suddenly returned to him, doubled in size. Echo knew she would never have all of him, even on the ring. 

Echo would be okay, however. She was resilient and had grown into herself over the last six years. A woman that had once defined herself by her loyalty to her clan had been thrown into the sky, and as she relaxed, the group had seen her become herself.

Clarke was a different story. In what had been everyone on the ring’s six year relaxation had been nothing but stress for her. She had raised two kids on her own, birthed one without anyone else around but a young girl found in a village. She had moved from one distraction to the next, seamlessly.

Bellamy worried for her. Where they had healed, she had faced what had likely been the hardest years yet. Alone. 

He was used to guilt of leaving her. Even now, knowing she was alive, it had stayed there. Like an ever-present weight. He had gotten her pregnant and then left. It was his fault, any pain she had endured. He should have stayed, should have helped Raven figure out how to get them down at the right time. Should have tried to figure out the radios so he could talk to her.

Needed to try harder to get to her now that she was there. But she was back in Eden with the girls and he was in Polis, trying to reason with his sister. 

Seeing them today, god, it had hurt.

Everything to do with Clarke hurt anymore. All he wanted was to wrap her up in his arms, smooth over all the rough edges. He’d be halfway to doing it, and then a touch from Echo, a word, a look. A reminder that he was an awful, awful man.

Trapped, he feels trapped, between his past, his world, and the woman who had brought him out of that. 

He loves Echo, truly, he does. But not in the way he loves Clarke. 

Honestly, he knows that he will never love anyone the way he loves Clarke. 

She is… another piece of him, the answer to a question he’d never thought to ask. 

His world. 

A wave of exhaustion hits him, and slowly, he lets himself drift back to sleep. 

~~

Octavia decides she no longer has patience or use for Echo’s presence the next day. 

And Bellamy is more than aware that he is a bad person, a bad man, but he follows her back to Eden. While his true intentions, while this goddamned heart of his, may not be quite so loyal, he can at least be bothered to put up a front of loyalty. 

And truly, he wishes he were more loyal, a better partner. Echo deserves more than his heart that’s always belonged to someone else. 

“Your sister’s a real piece of work,” she remarks quietly. Yet another getaway trip in the rover. Raven had had the audacity to laugh when she’d gotten there that afternoon, only for them to say they needed to head back to the valley, then. Of course it had fucked up plans and set them back. Again. 

Bellamy was hardly concerned about that, with the tense way in which Raven had regarded them, offering little information about what she was stressed about. 

Not that they’d asked, more concerned with getting out of Polis than anything. 

“She was born angry,” he says, on a sigh, in response. 

Echo nods, eyes boring into the space in front of her. “I get that.”

“I don’t… I can’t blame her, you know?” He sighs, running a hand through his hair. “I’ll always blame myself more than her. They’re her choices, but I’ll always feel like I could have done more or better.”

“You did your best.”

“Easier said than believed.”

She nods, calculating the words, ultimately deciding not to say anything else. She leans back into the seat, closing her eyes for a moment. “How’s she going to get everyone to Eden? That’s a long walk for that many people.”

“I don’t know.  _ She  _ doesn’t know.” Another sigh. He’s fucking exhausted. A few days back on earth and he’s regretting ever coming down. 

No- that’s not right. That’s a selfish thought. And- even if things aren’t great now, he has a family down here. They’ll figure things out, and that happiness will be worth it. Bellamy keeps his eyes on Echo, the rest of the way, contemplating how he might do this. Tonight, he promises himself. He’s got bullet points of a speech swimming in his head. You’re more than I deserved, I owe you my life ten times over, I have a child now, I’m so sorry. 

Something like that. 

The rover jolts to a halt as Raven parks, offering a grimace back at them. 

“Time to face the music…” she says, ominous. 

_ What’s going on? _

The quiet is what he notices first. No giggles, no young voices, anywhere. He hops out of the rover, offering a hand to Echo, before turning on where everyone’s congregated for lunch. Emori, Harper, Monty, Abby, Marcus…

Murphy, Clarke, Madi and Ella nowhere to be seen. 

“What happened? Is she okay?” Bellamy strides toward Clarke’s cabins, nearly running as he directs the words over his shoulder. Harper catches up to him with a hand on his shoulder. 

“Calm down.” She demands. 

Moving to face her, he explodes, “Where  _ is she _ ?” Harper shakes her head, looking to Monty, standing next to her now. 

“They left for a couple days. Nothing major. She left a note,” Monty gestures towards the cabin. “It’s on the table, read it yourself.”

_ Deep breaths, Bellamy.  _ There is, in fact, a letter on the table. 

_ Headed to the lake for a couple days. The girls wanted a break.  _

_ -Clarke _

Too dismissive, and why disappear without telling anyone? She ran away. Like she always does. 

And he’ll chase after her, like he always does. 

He’s hardly aware of everyone else in the cabin as he tears apart everything, looking for a reason they might have left, a clue to where they  _ actually  _ went. 

But he knows. Knows why she left. He should have seen it yesterday, when she was in Polis. This was all too much, and she’d had a taste of life without all of them, and that felt easier. Why Murphy, though? Why couldn’t she have asked him to come home, go with them?

Just like that, he’s back at those gates, the feel of her lips lingering on his cheek, watching as she disappeared from his life. Just like that, his heart shatters all over again. 

He didn’t go after her soon enough last time, and he won’t make the same mistake again. He’s not even aware he’s crying, until Echo is at his shoulder.

“Breathe,” she urges.

But he can’t can’t get air to his lungs, can’t stop until he finds her.  _ Can’t breathe can’t breathe can’t breathe. Gone, gone, gone.  _

He’s spiralling, and he can’t stop it. 

~~

The first thing Clarke realizes, when they get to the part of the valley they’re headed to, is that she forgot the goddamn map with the markings on it. She’s lived here long enough to not need it, but when she doesn’t come back in a couple days, they’re going to find it, and find her.

That’s tomorrow's problem, though. Today they’ve got camp to set up, food to hunt, and exhausted children to sate. 

Murphy helps her get the tent set up, and heads out to get started on purifying the lake water while she gets the girls down for a nap. They’ve hardly slept the last two days, and the tired angriness has come out. 

Madi’s out without a second word, but Ella insists she get held until she’s asleep.Just as she’s teetering on the edge of consciousness, she looks up. “When are we going home?” She asks on a yawn. 

Clarke runs her fingers through the girl’s hair. 

“As soon as we can.”

Satisfied, Ella rolls back over, and quickly falls asleep. 

Murphy and Clarke have dinner ready by the time the girls wake up. They eat, and all promptly head back to sleep, still exhausted. 

~~

Bellamy gets through the panic attack. He’s had them before, starting as a teenager. They disappeared for the most part during the drop ship days, came back when Clarke left, and then shown up again on the ring. 

Echo had helped him through a lot, once they’d gotten together, so she knows the drill this time around. She gets everyone out of the cabin, and coaches his breathing through the initial panic. Once he feels a little better, she talks everything through with him, and hands him a map littered with Clarke’s handwriting, though he’s got no idea how she had time to find that. 

She offers him a sad smile when he asks. “I’m a spy, remember?”

He nods, even as he wants to reassure her she’s more than that. But that thought brings on more panic, more reminders of the way he’s failed everyone around him. So instead, he keeps breathing. 

Once he feels settled, he takes a closer look at the map. 

“When are you going to leave?” Echo asks. 

He draws in a breath. “Tonight.” He shakes his head. “Now.” 

She nods, standing up and offering a hand to him. “You need to take someone with you.” She gestures outside. “Go tell them the plan, and I’ll pack for you.”

“Thank you.” He says. A million more words float in his head, but that’s all he can offer her. “Just, thank you. For everything.” 

She nods, and then heads outside. 

Kane and Bellamy leave within the hour. Abby tries to tag along, but Kane shoots her a heavy look.  _ More secrets, great.  _

“Why do you think she left?” Kane asks, pulling aside a branch for them to walk through. 

“She got overwhelmed.”

Kane nods, looking to him to go on. 

“Like after Mount Weather. She didn’t know how to deal with things, so she left. It’s what she does.”

He heaves a sigh as he pulls out the map to make sure they’re hitting all the landmarks plotted out. “It’s my fault,” he murmurs. 

Kane, again, doesn’t say anything, but Bellamy stays quiet this time. The admission is thick and heavy, and now that it’s out there, he has no interest in talking about it. 

The further along they get, the more desperate Bellamy finds himself. He’s been here before, urgently racing against time to find her, and sure, they aren’t in the middle of a war this time, but he doesn’t know this land. Doesn’t know what threats could be facing her. Them. 

The sun begins to set, and just behind him, Kane places a hand on his arm. “We have to stop for the night.”

Bellamy shakes his head. “We don’t have time.”

“Bellamy,” Kane says, stern. But that insistence didn’t hold when Bellamy was nothing more than a child, and it won’t hold now that there’s more on the line. 

“If we stop, that’s more time for one of them to get hurt.” Bellamy says, jaw clenched. 

Kane must see something in his eyes, because he relents, nodding for Bellamy to lead the way. Pulling out the map, Bellamy figures they’ve only got a few more miles left. They’ll make it before midnight. He pulls the flashlights out that Echo packed, handing one to Kane, and they continue on. 

After an hour or two, a distant flame dances in the distance, and Bellamy looks back to Kane, relief lighting up his face. Kane nods, a small smile on his lips as Bellamy sprints the rest of the distance, Kane not far behind. 

A tent sits in the clearing, a fire in the middle of it. Clarke and Murphy sitting next to each other in front of it.  _ Right _ next to each other, he can’t help noticing. He clenches his jaw, but continues forward anyways. 

“Clarke,” he calls out, not wanting to scare her. 

Evidently, he does anyways, as she whirls and pulls the gun from her hip on him. He throws his arms up before she does anything. It’s unnecessary though, because the next second she’s tucking it back in. Murphy still sits in his spot, twisting around to see what’s happening, a stupid smirk on his lips. 

“You’re supposed to be in Polis still,” Clarke accuses, eyes flicking to take note of Kane behind him. 

“And you’re supposed to be back with everyone else.” There’s a stirring in the tent, and Ella’s head pops out a second later, looking around, eyes wide with sleep. Clarke shoots a glare his way, as if it’s his fault she woke up, though it likely is, even if he doesn’t appreciate her being so ornery about it. Clarke drops to a squat in front of her, letting her collapse into her arms for a hug. 

He can’t help the way his heart lifts at the scene. Their’s. That little girl is theirs, and she’s every inch the mom he thought she would be. 

Clarke disappears into the tent after Ella, presumably to put her back to bed. 

“Well have a seat,” Murphy drawls, gesturing to the ground around them.

Kane gestures to the pack he brought with him, “I’m gonna head to bed.” Murphy nods as Bellamy drops to take a seat across from him. 

“So you and Clarke?” Bellamy prompts. 

Murphy snorts. “You don’t get to be jealous when you’re with someone else.” Bellamy’s jaw ticks, and Murphy straight up laughs this time. “Nothing’s happened between us, give me a break.”

Bellamy nods, apparently satisfied, before turning his gaze back to the ground. “Why’d you come too?”

Murphy shrugs. “There’s nothing back there for me. The kids are entertaining.”

And really, he can’t help the way his muscles stiffen, because they should be  _ his,  _ not Murphy’s. But they’re not Murphy’s either, really. They’re Clarkes. And he should get to be the one at her side, helping. 

Clarke reappears a moment later, rolling her eyes as she takes in Bellamy. 

“You can head to bed too, if you want,” she says to Murphy, apparently content to ignore Bellamy until she can’t anymore. 

He smirks, “I’m here for the show.” But she glares and he snorts again, moving to his own bed roll. Leaving him and Clarke. Alone. 

The last time they’d been alone…

The words played in his head on a loop for the last six years. He had them memorized, after a few days of torturing himself that way. 

She’d been  _ pregnant,  _ then. Barely so, but… He shakes his head. There’s nothing he can do about it now. She’s alive, their child is alive, which is better than he anticipated coming home to. 

“Why are you here?” She asks. She’s sat a few feet from him, knees pulled up to her chest, exhaustion heavy on her face. 

“To bring you back.”

Her head drops between her knees. “I left a note.”

“You weren’t going to come back. You didn’t even go where you said you were going.”

Her head snaps up, meeting his eyes again. “How did you find us?”

“We found your maps in the cabin.”

“Why were you in my cabin?” Her eyes narrow. “Why aren’t you in Polis?”

“Octavia banished us.” She throws a confused look his way. “Because of Echo.” Her face crinkles with what might be disgust. “She’s not that bad.”

“So I’ve heard.” She picks up a stick in front of her, drawing in the dirt with it. “Then why did Octavia banish her?”

“Because of everything from the concave.”

Clarke glares at him. “Like when she tried to kill Octavia? Better yet, when she held a sword to my throat?” She jabs. 

“It’s been six years.” He’s trying to keep his cool with this, but all she wants to do is  _ fight  _ and he’s got no idea how to get through the walls she’s putting up. 

“So,” she grits her teeth, “I’ve been told.” She violently breaks the stick in two, chucking it into the fire. “I’m going to bed, you can leave in the morning.”

“Clarke,” he pleads, grabbing her hand as she moves to stand. “Please come back with us.” She turns back to him, tears streaming down her eyes. 

“I can’t, Bellamy. Don’t you get that?” She gestures around her, “Nothing’s the same, and I have to do what’s best for them.” 

“We can figure it out.” He insists, standing up to meet her. 

She shakes her head, wrapping her arms around her waist. “No, we can’t. And it’s so fucking naive of you to think that.”

“You can’t live out here forever.” He maintains, desperate for something to get her back home. 

“Try me.”

“What do you want me to do? Tell me and I’ll do it.” He promises. 

“Go back to the ring and leave me the hell alone.” She storms towards the tent, and all he can see is Roan dragging her away, everything shattering before him again. 

“You can’t always run away from your problems, Clarke.” A bit of venom in his voice.

She whirls at that, eyes wide. “I’m not running away.” 

“Then what are you calling this?” He says, arms open. 

She points at the tent. “I’m keeping  _ them  _ safe.”

“It’s dangerous out here.”

“I know this area.”

“Then what are you so afraid of?”

“Your sister!” She snaps, too loud. “I’m terrified of my mother, terrified of Octavia, terrified of you.” She swallows. 

Scared of Octavia, he can see. He’s starting to feel the same way. But she’s Clarke fucking Griffin. And Abby? Him?

“That doesn’t make any sense.” He decides on finally. 

She rubs at her temples, before dropping her hands to her hips. “No, it wouldn’t to you.” She makes to duck into the tent, but he grabs her wrist again. “Stop doing that,” she hisses. “I’m not some  _ thing _ to be manhandled.”

He winces. Is the rift between them so great?

“Tell me what you’re thinking, Clarke.”

“And what good will that do?” She says, arms crossed over her chest. He’s closer to her now, nearly right in front of her. Just a breath away. 

“We can figure it out, together.” Her eyes soften at that. “Like old times.”

“You were never one of my problems, then.” 

He almost snorts. “Really? So you and I were great friends back at the dropship? And you didn’t get mad at me and decide to send me into Mount Weather? You pointed a gun at me, Clarke.”

Tears glisten at the edge of her eyes, and  _ fuck,  _ he hadn’t meant to make her cry. 

“Fine,” she concedes. 

But it doesn’t feel like the victory he thinks it should.


	8. how can we fail, with everything to win?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> y'all deserve better than me i'm so sorry i'm so shitty at updates. *proceeds to list all my excuses* anyways here she is
> 
> as always, playlist for this fic is [here](https://open.spotify.com/playlist/7ESc6reUXFLnUEzzcKs3s8)
> 
> chapter title from everything to win from anastasia

She hadn’t expected him to follow. Truly, she hadn’t. Even once he got back from Polis. She’d just been… resigned. Her mother would be too busy with her own issues, Bellamy would be too caught up in  _ Echo.  _ Octavia would be glad to be gone of them. 

And, she should’ve known, probably. That he would feel a responsibility to find her. But, she’d thought of the time he had before, and that had been love there. 

Now they had animosity and tension. 

Regardless, she takes a seat next to him, thinking of anything that might get her out of this. Lying entirely is out of the question, but a half-truth might be enough to send him home. 

“Octavia’s not happy about Madi.”

His face colors with confusion when she says it. “What do you mean?”

“She’s a nightblood, and she thinks the grounders might prefer a real ruler, now that they have the option.” Her hands clench into fists. He’s unpredictable, and even if she’d like to think he wouldn’t do anything to hurt a child… she just can’t be sure. 

“But so are you.”

“It’s synthetic. Doesn’t count.” She bites her lip. “At least I think that’s the case. We weren’t there for long.” 

He nods. “What about Ella?”

She can’t help it, the way her palms shake. Their child. “Same as me.”

“But she was born a nightblood… right?” His eyes go wide in horror as he considers. 

She nods. “Yeah. But it cancels out because she’s my daughter. I don’t know, I didn’t ask questions.”

“I’ll talk to her, she won’t hurt Madi.”

Clarke shakes her head, rubbing at her temples again. This fucking headache is going to be the death of her. “You don’t know that.”

“Then we stay out here until things are settled.”

Her eyebrows go halfway up her forehead. 

“There is no us,” she points between the two of them. “You and Kane go back and someone can find us when things are safe.” 

Clarke had no intention of being found again. 

“I’ll stay out here, we can send Murphy and Kane back.”

And… it’s a nice thought, truthfully. 

They could be a  _ family.  _

She shakes her head. 

“Murphy stays, you guys go back. That’s not up for debate.”

“Why can’t I stay?” He asks, eyes piercing hers. 

“The girls are more comfortable with Murphy, you need to deal with Octavia, you’re with Echo,” she mumbles at the end, looking away from him. 

“Right.” He says, jaw clenched. She’s sure he’ll drop it after that, but, “We should probably talk about that.”

“We really don’t need to.”

“Yes, we do.”

“I don’t want to. Have you considered that?” Her heart is racing. This is everything she’s dreaded, everything she doesn’t want to touch. He - he’s with someone else now. 

She tries not to think about that. It’s never ended well. On her best days she gets over it and finds something to take her mind off it. On the worst, she muffles tears in her pillow while the girls sleep. God, have they really only been down a few days?

It feels like years worth of heartbreak. She’s pathetic. 

“I didn’t know you were alive. I’m really sorry.”

“It’s fine.” But it’s not, and he knows it, probably. Because forgiveness is their thing, and she can’t find it in herself to give him that, right now. 

“I still love you, Clarke.”

And that’s her undoing. She puts more space between them, pushes away the tears that start gushing. “Don’t say that.” She sniffles. “Don’t say that when you’re with  _ her.” _

“She really is different.” He pleads, hand reaching for her own. She jumps back. 

“Must be, to replace me.” She sounds like a bitter,  _ stupid,  _ girlfriend. She’s hardly thinking as she says it, and she knows she’ll regret it in the morning, regrets it  _ now.  _ Another shove of tears. “I don’t want to talk about it, Bellamy.”

_ Drop it, drop it, drop it. _

“Clarke...” and she can’t bear to see the pity that’s surely on his face, so she stares intently into the dying flames of the fire. “It wasn’t like that. She’s… not you.”

Words to soothe her. But why bother? Because he’s  _ still  _ with her. And if he loved her more, he wouldn’t be. 

“I shouldn’t have tried to move on. I should’ve ended things as soon as we got here. I’m sorry that I haven’t.”

And that’s… interesting. 

“This isn’t what was supposed to happen,” It comes out unexpectedly, no control over the words as they erupt from her mouth. Quiter, “This isn’t what I thought was going to happen when you came home, okay?”

Clarke can’t meet his eyes as she talks. She wraps her arms around herself, as though they might protect her from the consequences of her words. 

“While you were gone, you coming home was the only thing that kept me going some days, and even some days  _ that _ barely felt like enough. I thought you would hold me and make it better and I wanted Ella to call you dad and you to teach them the stories that I couldn’t and cuddle on cold winter mornings and we were supposed to be a family.” She swallows, chancing a look at his face. She’s met with a dropped jaw and seeming disbelief. “So I’ve tried to push you away. If I let you close to Ella then I give up any hope of that and I lose another person. So forgive me if I’m not eager to do that.”

He’s quiet as their eyes meet. She clenches her jaw, waiting for the fallout. “Clarke- I.” He runs his hand through his hair. “You don’t have to lose another person. You don’t have to give up those dreams.” There’s pleading in his tone, and for a second she believes him. 

“I do, though, because you are never going to give that to me. Not in the way I want.”

“Clarke, come on-”

“I’m heading to bed,” she cuts him off. “We can talk in the morning.”

He looks desperate, so she shakes her head, plasters on a fake smile. “I mean it. Don’t worry. We’re fine.” 

_ Fine _ . Her word of the night, it would appear.

~~

Clarke wakes up alone, and promptly panics. But the girls are just outside the tent, with  _ Bellamy.  _ “Where are Kane and Murphy?” She snaps, walking right up to them, self consciousness around him be damned. 

Ella giggles, and even Madi is smiling. 

“Well good morning to you.” He says, a fucking  _ smirk  _ on his lips. “We’re making breakfast, I figured you might want to sleep in.”

And it’s shit like that that will be her downfall. 

“That doesn’t- thanks.” She says. “Where did they go?”

“They’re grabbing berries off a bush they saw.” Ella offers up, using Bellamy’s diverted attention to grab a bit of what he’s cooking over the fire. 

Madi watches and attempts the same, but gets caught by Bellamy who snatches it right out of her hand with a wry grin. Her and Ella double over in laughter, and Bellamy turns that grin back on her. 

“What can I do to help?” She asks, trying not to make her discomfort clear in front of the girls. 

Bellamy shrugs, “We’re all good here if you want to get ready.”

Ella giggles, “Yeah mom, your hair is a  _ mess.”  _ Madi promptly joins her in laughing after that comment. 

Clarke raises an eyebrow, “Well we’re certainly giggly this morning,” she comments, which succeeds in causing another bout of laughter from the two of them. 

It’s great, to see them like this. But it unnerves her, to say the least. They’ve warmed up to Bellamy and Madi’s seemingly let go of everything in the blink of an eye. She thinks on it as she changes and brushes out her hair. 

It’s probably harmless, right? If they’re  _ happy  _ then she ought to not question it. But it’s  _ Bellamy.  _

But morning brings some clarity. He seems to be trying. And if even he isn’t entirely on Octavia’s side, maybe they’d be safe to go back. Perhaps she’s projecting her own issues onto the situation. Just because she’s not happy with him doesn’t mean he’s an awful person… she’s just hesitant around him now. Nervous, about him leaving again. Even if it wasn’t his fault, really. 

And leaving, what it means for them… but they can deal with that when they get there. 

Few things are in her control, anymore, and that’s horrifying, with two young girls in her care, when for the entirety that they’ve been hers, she could control nearly everything. 

She sighs, running the brush through her hair again. 

They won’t make it out of this unscathed, and it’s best if she recognizes that now. 

Breakfast is ready when she gets back, and Bellamy hands her a plate. Their hands brush for a second, and she tries desperately to ignore the sparks shooting up her hand. He eyes her, as though he felt it too, and that’s absolutely  _ absurd _ because despite whatever he said last night, he has no romantic interest in her. Not anymore.

She scarfs down breakfast, watching intently as the girls play. New trees, new obstacles to climb. She can feel Bellamy’s eyes on her the entire time, but she ignores him, intent to do that for as long as she can. 

However, when she’s washing her plate, Murphy and Kane show up, and decide to take the girls for a walk. 

As though this was planned. 

This is what she gets for sleeping in, she supposes. She turns on Bellamy once she’s laid it out to dry, arms crossed over her chest. 

There used to be a time, she thinks, when her arms were around  _ him,  _ when she felt this way. Conflicted, that is. 

Now, she stands away from him, in a mock battle stance. As though that might protect her. 

“I was just up when the girls woke up this morning, I didn’t plan this.” He starts, already on the defensive, hands held up. 

She shakes her head, letting out an exhale. “Whatever.” She didn’t have anything to do today, other than stew on impossible choices. But with the girls gone, she’s left with nothing to distract her, or keep her away from Bellamy. 

She settles on cleaning up the tent, certain Bellamy won’t try and talk to her if she’s in there. 

She’s wrong. He follows her through, watching as she scoops a few pieces of dirt. 

“What can I do?”

She rolls her eyes. “Go get water from the stream and boil it.”

He nods, seemingly  _ eager _ to do so, as if it is anything more than a monotonous task made up to get him out of her hair. But it’ll buy her time away from him and his questions and defenses, so she doesn’t think much about it. 

Mercifully, everyone else gets back before she does. Ella runs up to her spouting a scraped knee that Clarke easily fixes up. 

“Go grab your school books,” She instructs them. They do so, and she gets them set up doing some work. Ella’s practicing letters, and Madi’s working on sentence structure. Monotonous, unimportant things when you’re living through the end of the world, but it’s the only thing she’s come up with to give them some normalcy. 

She’s drawing up more example sentences for Madi when Bellamy plops down next to them. He leans over Ella, who refuses to take her eyes off her page as she intently fills it up with letters.

“What are you doing?” He asks. 

She looks up, tongue in her cheek. “Practicing my letters.”

“Those look really good.”

Ella preens under the compliment, pointing out what each letter is, as though Bellamy doesn’t know. He gives her his undivided attention, listening intently, even though it’s surely boring. 

Clarke’s heart doesn’t speed up. 

That would be ridiculous. 

Just because he’s good with kids (their kid) doesn’t mean she has any reason to get flustered. 

Echo - another reason for her to not get flustered. Ella quickly grows bored of explaining the letters to Bellamy, and he turns his attention to Madi. 

They’re best friends, now, it would seem. Madi shows him her paper, “Clarke’s having me pick out figures of speech.” Madi peers up at Clarke. “Even though I keep telling her it’s not necessary.”

Clarke just shakes her head. They’ve had this debate time and time again. Clarke wins every time. 

“That’s not true, Madi.” Bellamy pipes up. “You never know when you’re going to want to pick out an oxymoron.”

Her heart drops. 

And somehow, she’d _forgotten._ Granted, she’d been a tad busy since that conversation. But he so casually drops it into the conversation. 

Tentatively, she looks up. He meets her gaze, something like pleading in his eyes. 

“Why would you say that?” 

His face drops. “Clarke, I didn’t-”

“You’re still with Echo?” She knows the answer before she asks it, but he nods. “Then don’t do that.”

Madi’s eyes dart between them, and Ella remains blissfully unaware, enraptured by her letters. Bellamy slumps where he’s sitting, but all the same stays, helping Madi every once in a while. Ella finishes a page, and Clarke suggests they go for a walk. 

Ella grabs her hand, pulling her along, but Madi stays behind. 

“Are you good?”

Madi nods. “Bellamy said he’d teach me some history.”

Bellamy looks at her guiltily, but Madi looks excited, so she let’s it go. “Okay, we’ll be within shouting distance if you need us.”

It’s… interesting, that’s he’s taken an interest in Madi, and not just Ella. Almost promising more. But she tries not to think about it while Ella takes her to the field of flowers they found earlier. 

She succeeds for all of five minutes. 

She understands wanting to be a part of Ella’s life. But Madi’s? In a fun uncle sort of capacity, sure, it makes sense. But he’s acting the same way he does with Ella. 

And Madi’s eating it up, which  _ terrifies  _ her. 

Clarke takes a deep breath, focusing on Ella running around the field. Every couple minutes, she comes back to Clarke, offering up her picked flowers for her to hold. 

She runs up now, her biggest handful yet. “Do you have enough?” Clarke asks. 

Ella shakes her head, pushing her hair out of her eyes. Clarke chuckles, and Ella runs back to collect more flowers. This trip does turn out to be her final, and then they’re headed back to camp. She plops down by Madi, and they sort the flowers into piles without any seeming rhyme or reason. Murphy joins them, jokingly messing up the piles here and there, causing Ella to glare at him. 

A hand lands on her shoulder, and she turns to see Bellamy looking down at her. “Can we talk?” He whispers. 

She’s well aware that she can’t avoid this forever, so she swallows, and nods. He offers a hand to her as she stands up, which she drops the second she’s up. 

He leads her to the same place she’d gone with Ella. It’s so lovely out here. She hadn’t appreciated being so surrounded by nature before Praimfaya. But when this was all that was left? When she had a moment to stop and breathe? The magnitude of it had hit, and it isn’t lost on her now. 

“Thank you for taking care of them this morning. And for making breakfast,” she offers. If he’s going to put in as much effort as he is, she ought to be able to match it. There’s a middle ground here, she’s sure of that. Even if she isn’t happy about it. 

He looks startled. “Of course, I’m always happy to help out. It’s the least I can do.” She nods, letting them lapse back into silence. “I… I know this isn’t ideal. But if you wanted…” he trails off. “I want…” another pause. She’d laugh, in another lifetime. “Maybe we could find a way for both of us to be in Ella’s life? And Madi’s. If she’d like that.” He keeps his gaze down the entire time, hands tucked in his pockets. 

“Yeah. We could do that.”

His expression lights up, and a weight visibly lifts off his shoulders. “Really?”

“Of course. I’m sorry…” she searches for the words. “For making it so difficult before now. It’s just… hard.” She decides.

He nods. “I get it. We’re all doing our best.”

He’s happier, a small smile on his face, hope behind his eyes. Maybe that’s why she says it. 

“My mom’s addicted to pain pills.” She blurts out. He looks at her in horror but she pushes on. “That’s why I left. I overheard her and Kane talking about it, and I didn’t know what to do, and things with you were weird and this isn’t anything like I’d imagined it would be and then that just… pushed me over the edge.”

He’s got his arms around her the second she finishes, and even as warning bells go off in her head, she lets herself melt into it, let’s herself breathe, if for a moment. 

“I’m sorry Clarke. I didn’t know.” 

She takes a steadying breath and pulls back. “It’s okay. It’s not even- it’s not like it really affects me.”

He nods, but stays quiet as they head back. “Will you come back?”

And she should’ve anticipated it. 

Going back. Going back means Echo and her mom and Raven’s disappointment in her. But she may as well bite the bullet while things are getting better with her and Bellamy, so she nods. 

~~

They head back the next day. The rest of the day is spent playing with the girls, Kane hesitant to do much, but Bellamy and Murphy soaking it in. The two of them are so different, it’s interesting to watch. Because Murphy presents a friend sort of relationship, like an uncle, if Clarke had ever known that. And Bellamy is gentler, ready to teach. 

He reminds her so much of Jake that it aches. In the way he’s quick to explain an answer to any questions they have, taking his cues from them. 

If Jake had known him, he would’ve approved. But she shakes that thought off as soon as it comes. They aren’t together. They just happen to have a child together. Which brings them to that night. Clarke sits down with Ella and Bellamy, away from everyone after dinner, and explains how he fits in. 

She’s unimpressed, because to her it means little. So Clarke brings up the stories she’s shared of her own father, reminds her of Madi’s dad, a person they’d discussed once. Ella seems to get it then, thoughtfully contemplating Bellamy. 

He’s letting her sit on his shoulders, as they head back. It’s easier, with more people. Kane’s happy to carry as much as he can, Murphy somehow gets away with carrying a bag, and between Madi and Clarke, they’ve got the rest of it. Madi and Clarke dawdle behind everyone, silently observing as Murphy and Ella listen to the stories Bellamy creates for them. 

Another thing for her to melt over. 

“Are you guys going to be together now?” Madi asks, quiet beside her. 

She hums. “No. But we’re going to figure out how we can both parent her. And you, if you want that.”

Madi scrunches up her face. “He isn’t breaking up with Echo?” 

Clarke shushes her. “He doesn’t need to, Madi. He’s happy.”

“He’d be happier with you.”

“And now we’re changing the topic.” Clarke insists. If everyone’s saying Echo has changed, the least she can do is give her a chance. And Bellamy is… Bellamy. He shot the chancellor to save his sister. He wouldn’t endanger his daughter. 

She might not have the family she had once dreamed about. But this ought to be better than nothing. 

“You know we hated each other when we first met?” She offers instead. Stories make the best distractions, she’s found. Madi gapes at her, and she laughs. “Yeah. He was all ‘whatever the hell we want’ and he thought I was pretentious. We fought all the time.”

“You aren’t like that now,” she observes. 

“We fight differently now,” Clarke responds, kicking at a rock in front of her. 

Madi hums, watching ahead of them. They’re nearly back now. Clarke’s not nervous, though. 

She’s not. It’s fine. 

~~

Things are fine when they get back. Tense, but fine. Abby embraces her, and Clarke tries to not let the way her body goes rigid show. They’re left alone for the rest of the day, thanks to Bellamy insisting they need time to unwind, and the fact that he stands guard outside the cabin. 

It’d be cute, in another lifetime. 

God, how many times has she said that in the last week? 

Everything would be better, in another lifetime. Bellamy would still love her, in another lifetime. He would have stayed, in another lifetime. She would have made it back, in another lifetime. He wouldn’t get with someone else while she spent six years alone raising their family. 

She sighs. 

The girls are napping, predictable, considering the day they’ve had. She flits around, unpacking their things, tearing up the map they’d found, but come dinner she’s bored, and ventures out to help. Bellamy’s there the moment she steps out of the cabin, hand on the small of her back as she asks what she can do to help. 

“Everything’s taken care of. Don’t worry about it.” She nods, letting him lead her to a seat near everyone else, with just enough room to not overwhelm her. 

Sweet, in another lifetime. He takes the spot next to her. She’d lean into him, in another lifetime. 

But this is here and now. Everyone continues conversing around them, but Bellamy excludes himself from it, keeping his attention on her. Unnerving, to say the least. 

“What do you think about assimilating everyone into the valley?” He asks. 

She hums. “I don’t know. Kane and Abby would know better. I think Octavia’s going to be the biggest issue.”

“All that power went to her head, apparently,” he says on a laugh. 

She smiles back. “How are you holding up with that?”

A shrug. “I’m confused, more than anything. She’s acting like we’re in the middle of a war to be fought. I thought she’d be basking in the peace.”

“I don’t think anyone’s really had peace the last six years.” She bites her cheek. “Except you guys, I guess.”

He looks stricken, but acquiesces, “You’re right.” His head drops to his hands, and he runs one through his hair. Some things haven’t changed, it would seem. 

She’s missed it. “I thought you were dead.” He says, and it’s nothing Clarke is expecting. 

“So did I.”

He shakes his head, “It’s different. I know this wasn’t easy for you, and I would give anything to have been here with you, but I had no hope that you were alive. Ever. And I had no closure at all. We were…” he trails off, eyes faraway, “We were supposed to get those years together. And I wish I had stayed.”

“You would have died,” she insists, even if she’s wished the same thing every night for six years. 

“We could have figured it out.” Guilt leaks from his words. 

“Bellamy,” she begs. When he doesn’t look at her, she grabs his hand. “I’m glad you left. I’m glad you got to live.”

His eyes meet hers then, “But at the cost of you getting peace?”

She offers a sad smile. “I had bits of peace. I had more responsibilities than you all, sure, but the girls and I made do.”

“What happened when we didn’t come down?” His tone is lighter now, but Clarke’s more than aware that isn’t the end of that conversation. He’ll live with that guilt forever, knowing him. 

“I had Madi. We made do.” Brow raised, he makes it clear he’s not satisfied with that answer. So she sighs. “I… I barely left the house for a month. And I couldn’t seem to cry. Which felt stupid. Because I’d lost everyone. And I knew we would never open the bunker on our own. I didn’t know what to say to Ella, I’d been waiting to explain you to her until you were actually here. So I just… avoided it.” It’s hard to get out, hard to relive the hardest parts of the last six years. But part of it lifts a weight off her chest that she hadn’t quite realised was there. So she keeps going. “But then we took a lake trip, and things went back to normal. I just stopped talking about you guys as much.”

He looks heartbroken, when she dares look at him again. “It’s fine now,” she assures. “You guys are alive and well and that’s more than I could ever ask for.”

He shakes his head. “You shouldn’t always be so willing to sacrifice.” It’s a reprimand, but a selfish one, one born of his own hurts. 

“That’s the Griffin way.” She smiles, a hint of sadness there. “Not anymore though. I promise.” He smiles, exhaustion clear in his eyes. “I have the girls now, I’m not leaving them.”

He squeezes her hand. She hadn’t realized they were still linked, there. 

And for a moment, she feels hope. 


End file.
